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Back at the turn of the century, when a 43-year-old Billy Bob Thornton left his fiancé Laura Dern to marry 24-year-old Angelina Jolie, all I could think was 'wow, this trout-lipped honey is a witch.'
Then barely four years later, when Jolie humiliated Jennifer Aniston by sucking the life out of her marriage to Brad Pitt, I knew she was a witch.
Now two more of Brad and Angie's kids are publicly de-Pitting themselves, and I can't help but think it's with her full support. Maddox, 24, and Zahara, 21, have placed a series of ads in the Los Angeles Daily Journal declaring their intent to drop their poor old father's last name.
California requires name-changes to be announced publicly and the two are following the law with cruel precision. It follows similar name-changing shenanigans from their other siblings; Shiloh legally dropped Pitt when she turned 18 in 2024, while twins Vivienne and Knox are looking to do the same.
Private jet incident sparks divorce
Now look, we've all heard the private jet saga. Back in September 2016, the Pitt-Jolie clan were flying private when Brad allegedly shook Angelina and doused their kids with beer. Angelina filed for divorce days later.
Pitt was cleared of all charges after investigation – and he went on to clean up his act, attending AA meetings and getting sober.
And yet, ten years on and despite his reported overtures to his kids, their estrangement has only intensified.
I asked a famous friend who's in an identical position to Brad – he hasn't seen his children for almost a decade – for his take on the situation. He didn't hold back.
'The biggest problem is you can fight this kind of stuff and get nowhere,' he said. 'And it just becomes a whole other industry… people know you're in the position to spend whatever it takes to get your kids back.'
When my ex-husband and I separated, I told the first divorce lawyers I saw that we were on good terms, wanted to keep things civil and had already agreed on a custody arrangement. The attorneys looked at each other and laughed. 'Everyone who comes in here says that, no one ends on good terms,' the said.
Divorce industry profits from drama
They then insisted my five-figure retainer would be gone in a couple months – and with good reason. The divorce industry thrives from the tragic discord it sows between the moneyed Brad and Angelinas of the world.
As my friend put it: 'This case is the greatest thing for their lawyers because they get boatloads of money and it just goes on and on and on. I feel for the guy.'
I do too.
I've met Brad. A good friend of mine dated his buddy, and when Brad became hugely famous after Thelma & Louise in 1991, I was told he was cool and humble and down-to-earth and just wanted to go camping with his pals.
When I finally met him for the first time in 1997, he was all dimples and eye contact and invited me to go snowboarding (I declined because I was already living with a pro snowboarder).
Pitt had a reputation for being closer to his character Floyd the stoner from True Romance than bruiser Tyler Durden from Fight Club. He was also known for being a good guy who wanted to do the right thing. But good guys often fall for the wrong women.
Author urges public family ceasefire
I saw Brad again a few years ago at a Formula 1 race in Vegas, he was as kind as ever but looked as content as one can when their heart's been ripped out so publicly.
As for Angie, I recently asked a Hollywood mogul boss-lady who knows them both (and who also endured a tricky divorce) what she thought of all this. 'People hate her,' she deadpanned of Jolie.
Perhaps there would be love if only Jolie could do the loving thing - at least for her kids - and learn to forgive.
A Pitt-Jolie détente would certainly be what's best for them as they grapple with young adulthood.
22-year-old Pax has developed a penchant for crashing motorcycles and hanging out at strip clubs. Knox, newly 18, has been seen sporting a shock of yellow hair. And Shiloh appears to have been experimenting with her gender identity.
Jennifer Aniston found a way to forgive Brad. It's long past time for a ceasefire.
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