Are you in a situationship without realizing it? Here’s how to tell

We asked therapists to help clear things up.

Key Takeaways

• A situationship lacks a clear label or mutual understanding—there’s emotional or physical closeness, but no agreement on what it is or where it’s headed.
• Key signs include avoiding “what are we” conversations, rarely making future plans, and being kept away from friends and family.
• Situationships aren’t inherently unhealthy, but require honesty. Experts recommend having an open conversation about expectations to avoid one person getting hurt.

Have you ever liked someone, and you’re pretty sure they like you back, but they won’t actually say how they feel? Maybe there are some romantic feelings between you two, but nobody’s put a label on it? And you aren’t really dating, per se, but you do see each other from time to time, usually in one-on-one settings (and they’re usually very flirtatious?).

If you’ve said yes to any of those questions, you’ve likely been in a situationship before (or maybe are in one now). Situationships are elusive and confusing, but can also be thrilling (and some people may actually prefer them over exclusive, committed relationships). So what actually is a situationship, and is being in one healthy? We spoke to therapists to learn more about what situationships actually are, some signs you’re in one, and if you really should be letting it linger.

Related: “Ambiguous Loss” Is the Reason You Can’t Quite Get Over That One Relationship

Meet Our Expert

• Dayae Kim, Los Angeles–based licensed marriage and family therapist
• Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, director of family programs at All in Solutions

So, What Actually Is a Situationship?

“A situationship is when there is some level of emotional or physical closeness or intimacy between two individuals; however, there has been no clearly articulated mutual understanding as to what that situation represents or where things are headed,” says Alexandra Foglia, DMFT, director of family programs at All in Solutions.

If you like labels when it comes to relationships, a situationship can be good and bad: On one end, at least there’s a catchall term to refer to relationships with no label, but on the other end, that means that you’re in a relationship that doesn’t really have a label. It’s a Catch-22. And while a situationship can be fun if both parties are on the same page about it, Foglia says it can also be heartbreaking for the individual who thinks the relationship is progressing into something more.

“There are times when people create these types of relationships by design (i.e., they prefer ambiguity); however, there can be a great deal of confusion and heartache when one individual believes the relationship is moving forward while the other is content to remain ambiguous regarding its direction,” Foglia says.

Signs You’re in a Situationship

With how confusing situationships can be, it can be hard to say for sure whether or not you’re in one—or just in the beginning phases of a relationship that’s actually headed somewhere. To help you figure it out, we asked experts for the main signs that can indicate you’re in a situationship.

Avoiding Discussions About the Future

If the person you’re seeing always dodges questions about the future of your relationship—or changes the subject any time they are presented with making a long-term commitment—Foglia says it’s a major sign of being in a situationship. Along the same lines, Dayae Kim, Los Angeles–based licensed marriage and family therapist, notes that they may be hesitant to introduce you to their friends and family.

“You’re likely in a situationship when the question of ‘what are we’ is either never mentioned, dismissed, or vaguely answered,” Kim says. “There is hardly any talk about the future. Most plans are made spontaneously and are meant to be chill and fun. You’re not being introduced to their friend group or family, and you often see them in very private, one-on-one settings.”

Spending Hours Trying to Decode Interactions

Another telltale sign of being in a situationship? “Spending an excessive amount of time trying to decipher mixed messages rather than being able to depend on your feelings of security,” Foglia says.

This can look like rereading past messages to try to figure out if there’s meaning behind them, checking their socials to see if they’re active after you’ve texted them, playing back your last interaction with them in your head to see if you “missed” something, and generally obsessing over the relationship.

What to Do If You’re in a Situationship

Situationships aren’t inherently bad to be in, but according to Foglia, they can be unhealthy. “In order for a relationship to be considered ‘healthy,’ you should not need to spend your life trying to guess what your partner wants,” she says. If you’re OK with the elusiveness of the relationship, and you’re sure the other person feels the same, it may be fine to continue. That said, it’s important to have that “what are we” conversation—no matter how difficult it may be—to make sure both people are on the same page (so no one gets hurt).

“Instead of allowing the relationship to determine how things will progress, I recommend that individuals engage in an honest discussion about their expectations,” Foglia says. “Regardless of how uncomfortable having an open conversation about expectations may seem at first, the discomfort will likely pale in comparison to the difficulty of sustaining uncertainty within a relationship over time.”

Before you step into that conversation, it’s best to figure out what you’re hoping to get out of the relationship. “It’s crucial to have a hard conversation with yourself about what’s aligned with your needs versus what you’re hoping this relationship will become,” Kim says. “Many situationships end with one person being hurt because the other didn’t want a deeper commitment. If you’re looking for a long-term, committed relationship, a situationship will not give you that.”

Read the original article on Real Simple