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You likely don’t recognize the name “Dr. Amir Levine.” But I am willing to bet that you have heard of his work. After all, he quite literally wrote the book on attachment styles.
The science of attachment is used by relationship experts and influencers on #therapytok as a shorthand for understanding the shady behaviors of your significant other. But the real story is much more interesting. Attachment is actually like a radar system used by our brains, says Dr. Levine. It constantly scans the perceived emotional availability of those around us—because our relationships with others help our brains feel safe and secure. This system is part of our brain’s natural wiring and starts developing in utero, he says; its functioning is shaped by our experiences with people close to us throughout our lives. That model tends to manifest itself broadly in one of four “attachment styles.”
- Secure: You’re naturally warm and loving in your relationships; you love closeness and feel fairly confident in where you stand with others. You’re quick to forgive and easy to comfort.
- Anxious: You’re always alert for issues in a relationship, and you crave a lot of closeness with others for reassurance.
- Avoidant: You are independent and love to figure out stuff on your own; you tend to get annoyed when people come to you to fulfill their needs.
- Fearful-Avoidant: You crave closeness, but it also terrifies you. You’re sensitive to danger and approach all relationships with caution.
Dr. Levine, a clinical psychiatrist and molecular neuroscientist at Columbia University, first learned about adult attachment after a really bad breakup. “It helped me so much to understand what was going on in that relationship that didn’t work,” he recalls. “Just knowing that we all bring different things to a relationship, and that our levels of tolerance for closeness and distance can be very different…that was a huge revelation for me.”
“How connected we feel affects our self-esteem, how much we feel we are in control of our lives, or how meaningful our life is.”
That revelation drove Dr. Levine to write his first book, Attached, with coauthor Rachel Heller, in 2010. It struck a nerve, selling over 3 million copies worldwide and ushering the science (and terminology) of attachment into the mainstream. Therapists prescribe it to patients as reading material, and no one bats an eye when they overhear someone lamenting their ex’s “avoidant tendencies” over margaritas. During the pandemic, Dr. Levine and Heller’s work enjoyed a massive comeback thanks to the rise of #therapytok, selling over 80,000 copies in 2020 and over 100,000 the following year.
But in the 16 years since attachment styles hit the cultural zeitgeist, Dr. Levine has noticed that the online discourse tends to “erode” the science. Attachment styles have become harsh labels, intractable scarlet letters that define a person’s character or absolves them of any growth or responsibility. At the same time, Dr. Levine says more patients started coming to him, having read Attached and wanting to know how to become more secure. “I didn’t have an immediate answer,” he says.
He wrote his new book, Secure, to answer that question, drawing on his experience as a therapist as well as new research on adult attachment and social neuroscience. It serves not only to correct common misunderstandings of attachment science, but also to broaden the scope of his first book. Attachment doesn’t apply only to romantic relationships; it shapes how we approach all of our relationships.
We spoke to Dr. Levine about the biggest new revelations on the science of attachment and why understanding the needs of your social brain can help you become more connected, secure, and fulfilled.
1. Our Brains Crave Social Connections
The entire first section of Secure unpacks the latest science on how our relationships with others impacts the brain. One example: The “Cyberball Effect,” a much-studied phenomenon in which feeling excluded (even in situations with people you don’t like!) triggers intense feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. “The brain processes physical pain and social exclusion through overlapping distress circuits,” Dr. Levine writes in the book. “This helps explain why being left out, rejected, or isolated can feel so profoundly painful.” Conversely, your brain thrives when you feel included or connected to others.
In other words, “We don’t really see the world—we interpret it in conjunction with other people,” Dr. Levine says. “How connected we feel affects our self-esteem, how much we feel we are in control of our lives, or how meaningful our life is.” And as outlined in Secure, we have the power to create a social environment that makes us feel more confident and secure in our relationships…and ourselves.
2. There Are No “Bad” Attachment Styles
Unfortunately, the various styles (other than secure) have gotten bad reps. Avoidant types are often portrayed as commitment-phobic monsters, while anxious types are considered to be high-maintenance neurotic freaks. But that’s not accurate or fair, says Dr. Levine.
“Each style comes with its own potential benefits,” Dr. Levine says. He describes a study that gathered a group of people into a room with a computer in it, and the computer started to generate smoke. “The people with an anxious attachment spotted the smoke first and alerted everyone,” he says, “while the avoidants were first out the door to safety.” Societies need both kinds of people to survive: those who are hypervigilant to dangers, and folks who are quick to act in the face of that danger.
3. Lots of Factors Influence Your Attachment Style
Many people (therapists included!) claim that the relationship you had with your caregivers as a kid is the biggest blueprint for future relationships. “But that is just not supported by science,” Dr. Levine says.
It’s true that in childhood, your experiences with your parents hugely shape your sense of security. But as you grow up, other factors come into play, including your genes (some of us are wired to be more independent, for example), friendships, romantic partnerships, and other life experiences, like work or even going to therapy. Interestingly, a new study published this year in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that your relationship with your mother shapes your general attachment style in adulthood by only 2 to 3 percent—a small piece of the pie compared to the many other factors listed above. (Basically, it’s not all Mom’s fault.)
4. Your Attachment Style Isn’t Fixed!
People often treat attachment styles like zodiac signs or blood types: something set from birth. But they’re changeable. “We all have these secure kernels within us,” Dr. Levine says—formative moments of relationship security in our past and present. (Maybe it’s your mother wrapping you up in a hug after you skinned your knee, a teacher recognizing your talents, or a partner always saying “I love you!” before leaving the house.) These kernels are a prototype of what security can look like, he says, and can be used to help rewire the anxious or avoidant scripts our brain defaults to. (In fact, it’s the basis of a new form of therapy he developed, called “Secure Priming Therapy,” to help people develop more emotional security in all of their relationships.)
Your style can also change over time, and from relationship to relationship, Dr. Levine says. You may have an overall predisposition to avoidance, for example, but can still have secure attachments with your significant other or your kid, or an anxious style with your toxic boss.
5. Small Interactions Matter More Than You’d Think
Hollywood loves a grand gesture (like Steve and Miranda meeting on the Brooklyn Bridge!), but in reality, the stuff that makes us feel secure is subtle and simple. There’s a name for it: SIMIs, or seemingly insignificant minor interactions. Saying hi to the barista before ordering your coffee or staying calm and friendly with a customer support agent can count. “Each of those small interactions is an opportunity to feel more connected to others,” Dr. Levine explains.
