SerpApi.Org
When Melanie C got married at the weekend to her model boyfriend Chris Dingwall it was almost a Spice Girls reunion. Geri Halliwell, Mel B and Emma Bunton were all in attendance, and the bride even wore a silk Adidas tracksuit in a nod to her Sporty Spice days. All that was missing for them to drunkenly recreate Wannabe on the dancefloor at 1am was Victoria Beckham, who missed Mel C’s big day to attend the World Cup Final in New York.
Many people have seen the fact that VB didn’t make Mel’s Big Day as a Big Snub, and our reader poll revealed that 43% of you think friends come first, and Victoria was wrong not to prioritise the wedding. But I think it simply reveals an uncomfortable - and relatable - truth. This is just what happens to your friendships when you hit midlife.
I’m currently planning my wedding aged 41, and I fully expect to have plenty of “no”s in my RSVPs. Like Mel C, who’s 52, this is the price you pay for getting married later in life.
When you’re in your twenties and thirties, your friendships are the front and centre of your world. I had my first wedding aged 32 and all my friends were there for an entire weekend of festivities (and a hen do and numerous dress fittings and a rehearsal dinner and so on). But when you’re in your forties and fifties, your priorities change. Now we might have kids, high-pressure jobs, mortgages, elderly parents, or any number of responsibilities which sometimes just can’t be dropped - however lavish your friend’s wedding.
I’ve been in Victoria Beckham’s shoes recently, too (not literally, those sky-high stilettos would kill me). A few years ago, I was invited to my former colleague Lucy’s wedding. Although we hadn’t seen each other for a while, I was so happy for her and instantly RSVP-ed yes. But when the date rolled around, I started thinking about it with dread. I had a 2-year-old daughter who had just started nursery and had contracted every illness known to man and passed them all onto us. We were knackered, stressed and not in any mood to party.
I felt really guilty but eventually I decided that I had to call Lucy and bail. She said she totally understood, and I sent her a massive bunch of flowers to be delivered the morning of her wedding as a way of saying sorry. Maybe Victoria also felt like she had to make a gesture for not being present - she made Mel C’s wedding dress for her. She was there in spirit (and expensive white lace), if not in person.
Lucy’s wedding may have been the first time that I ducked out of a friend’s Big Day, but I know it won’t be the last. Earlier this year I was invited to an old school friend’s 3-day nuptials in Ibiza. But it was strictly no-kids and I had a 5-month old who I was still breastfeeding. The logistics - and expense - of transporting my little family to the Balearics and finding someone to look after my two kids felt like an impossible task. Of course, that’s technically not true. If the desire had been there I’m sure I could’ve found a way. But given I barely saw this mate any more and knew very few of her friends, I wondered how much fun I’d actually have.
The same could be said of Victoria of course, who would’ve had the budget to hire a private jet to get her from New York to Mel C’s lakeside wedding in Cumbria quicker than you could say ‘Zig A Zig Ah’. And many people have questioned how much Victoria even needed to be at the World Cup Final, given the photo of her “celebrating” after one of England’s goals went viral (clue: she didn’t celebrate at all). But when you get to our age, you start to weigh up all the effort it takes to socialise and question if it’s worth it. Yes, weddings are an important life milestone. But, essentially, they’re just a big party.
It’s not just weddings which slide down the to-do list when you’re in midlife. Since I was 37 I’ve had a joint savings account with some friends from uni. Every month we each put £10 in a pot with the goal of going on a big holiday for our 40th birthdays.
I’m almost 42 now and this holiday has no sign of materialising. We all have such different commitments so every time we try to plan something it feels impossible. One of us is pregnant so can’t go to any countries with Zika virus, one has three kids and can’t leave her husband alone with them for more than two days, one is launching her own business, and can’t take time off. At this rate we’ll be lucky to go away for our 50th.
Hopefully things get a bit easier once we’re out of this crunch time of midlife. Maybe when we’re in our sixties and seventies, with kids a bit older and work easing off, our social lives will once again be front and centre of our lives. By that point, I’m sure some of my friends will be on their third or fourth marriages, or at least renewing their vows. With old mates, you can pick things up where you left off no matter how much time you’ve passed or how many life moments you’ve missed. After all, as Mel and Vic and co. sang “Friendships never ennnnnd”.
Follow Kate on her new Substack 'An Open Book with Kate Wills'.
