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The manatees are sorry.
The manatees apologize that groceries and gas are expensive, that there are wars and sickness. The manatees don’t know if that’s their fault, but they are pretty sure it is.
The manatees keep getting in the way of things humans need to survive, things such as hotels and discount stores and jet skis. They try to float around without coming close to speeding boats and men in hard hats, but they are big and slow. It is hard.
The manatees tried to live quietly among the humans. It has taken them a long time, about 12,000 years of existence, to realize that they have been blocking economic prosperity by being alive.
The manatees understand they must die out now so that corporations can make money. They are ready to do their part.
The manatees have accepted last week’s changes to the Endangered Species Act that remove blanket protections for threatened species. They figure President Donald Trump cares about animals, but he cares more about business, and that makes sense to the manatees. The manatees were never very good at finance.
The manatees agree with Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum, too. They know rules meant to help them are a “regulatory trap.” The manatees see now that their protections have been “weaponized” to stop projects. That caring for them only ends up “driving up costs for families, weakening our competitiveness and undermining our national security.”
The manatees feel terrible about that. The manatees are sorry for making developers jump through hoops to build on scrublands. They shouldn’t have to slow down ever, and that’s the manatees’ fault.
The manatees are sad that they have bothered everyone for so long. They don’t mean to become stranded and hungry and make a big scene. They just want to find warm water in winter. They are sorry for being high-maintenance.
The manatees will stay away from oil and gas companies when they drill in the Gulf of Mexico, because drilling is a very important thing to do. They understand that the word “harm” has many meanings. It is not right for someone to punch the manatees, maybe, but it is fine if they starve. They get that now.
They want you to know that the pygmy rabbits and ʻiʻiwi birds and turtles and butterflies and lots of plants and flowers are sorry, too. All of the 500 species waiting to be classified are nervous, but the manatees told them not to worry, that humans have their best interest at heart.
The manatees want to thank everyone who cared about them, brought them lettuces, nursed them back to health in nice pools, gave them silly names and took pictures of their noses sticking out of the water.
The manatees really do like people. The manatees aren’t sure why more people don’t like them, but that’s OK.
The manatees ask you to forgive them for being such a nuisance. The manatees thank Mr. Trump and his staff for making hard choices that a giant floating creature can’t make for itself. The manatees hope you like your new condominiums.
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