SerpApi.Org
Well done everybody, we have completed another World Cup. Although it is not fully ratified until we have handed out our traditional alternative awards.
The Mark Lawrenson award for services to misanthropic commentary
Bronze Danny Murphy
Was a World Cup the right time to relive childhood trauma?
Silver Lee Dixon
Remarkable consistency from Sam Matterface’s chaperone, who frequently gave the impression of wanting to be anywhere other than at the world’s most exciting sporting event. I am all for it personally, good to have a corrective to all the excited shouting.
Gold Wayne Rooney
The real winner of Sunday’s final:
The ‘will we never learn?’ award for foregone conclusions
Everyone assuming France would win the tournament after the round of 16. We did it with Brazil at the previous World Cup, and it is worth remembering for 2030: beware the team that seem unbeatable early in the knockout rounds.
The Roberto Carlos Tournoi award for brilliant but meaningless goals
N.B. These are not the best goals. These are the alternative awards, after all. Just those that caused celebrations of significant volume despite ultimately not really mattering.
Bronze Livano Comenencia’s equaliser for Curaçao against Germany
Silver Kerim Alajbegovic for Bosnia and Herzegovina against Qatar
Gold Wilson Isidor for Haiti against Morocco
The bucket of cold sick award for downbeat quotes
Carlos Queiroz, the Ghana coach, was full of excitement after his team qualified from their group: “I believe that value comes when things are rare. The number of teams that can qualify for this competition can turn it into something vulgar and ordinary. When so many teams can qualify, is the value still rare? That would seem debatable to me but it is only my opinion.”
The Taylor Swift award for over-exposure
Lord Voldemort, played by Gianni Infantino, given the mandate that he must be shown in the TV coverage for every game that he attends, although only at a moment when he is not looking at his phone.
The Avios award for most air miles
Also Infantino.
The Run-DMC award for services to white trainers
Can you believe it, it is also Infantino? Fantastic work Mr President, congratulations!
The Sam Smith award for curious managerial clothing choices
Bronze Sergej Barbarez (Bosnia and Herzegovina)
Odd pairing of a white T-shirt with a double-breasted jacket. Big swing... and a miss.
Silver Graham Arnold (Iraq)
A brief but doomed romance with a log-flume-chic poncho during a match-delaying downpour in Philadelphia.
Gold Graham Potter (Sweden)
Hey kids, look what I picked up in Texas! DAD STOP IT. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING US.
The air-conditioned stadium award for coolest manager
Bronze Hervé Renard (Tunisia)
Tunisia’s emergency new manager after they sacked his predecessor after one game. Looks like he is either in a very senior position in a tech company or spending his downtime telling James Bond that he expects him to die.
Joint-winners Emerse Faé (Senegal) and Sebastián Beccacece (Ecuador)
That’s how you wear a pair of white trainers, Gianni.
The BuzzBallz Biggies award for too much of a good thing
With regret, Ally McCoist. Very enjoyable as an occasional sprinkling across a tournament, but felt near-omnipresent on ITV. Unfortunately this rather dulled the cheering effects of his seemingly limitless capacity for amusement at events on a football pitch, or in life.
Such relentless levity gets a bit much after a while, but did deliver a superb example of the commentator’s curse:
The chinny reckon award for least credible quotes
Bronze Fifa justifies empty seats for South Korea vs Czech Republic in Guadalajara
“Official attendance figures reflect the number of tickets scanned and spectators present within the stadium footprint, rather than visual assessments of seating occupancy at any given moment during the match.”
Silver Jesse Marsch about Morocco, after they had knocked out his Canada team
“I’d rather be us than them.”
Gold Infantino says hydration breaks are not in place for commercial reasons
“This is not a financial issue for us. For us, it is purely a sporting matter.”
The text message bubbles award for most over-used broadcasting trope
Bronze The race to the tournament’s “first real controversy”
During the opening weeks, roughly midway through spring, commentators were oddly keen to say something along the lines of “that’s the first real controversy of the tournament” regarding innocuous refereeing decisions. This slightly overlooked about 10 years of pre-tournament news stories about the hosts and governing body.
Silver “Match momentum”
So crass. Tediously quantifying one of the most instinctively fun elements of football.
Gold Ref cam
A fun and novel look at important moments after the first few airings. A slight feeling of travel sickness kicking in after the opening round of games. A strong feeling of “please free me from this ultra-elite hellscape” during the knockout rounds. Best used sparingly.
The ‘can I just shock you?’ award for changing your mind about something
The third-place play-off. A disgraceful and meaningless waste of time, right up until England take a 4-0 lead before half-time against France. I like bronze medals.
The AI assistant award for dreadful new developments no one asked for
Bronze Named referee shirts
We are not yet at full-sized names and squad numbers, but give it time. Soon your children can fulfil their lifelong dreams of imitating Michael Oliver.
Silver Fifa’s big dangling logo symbol
Astonishingly not augmented reality.
Gold A Super Bowl-style half-time show
The final insult, and one of the most Coldplay-coded things to ever pollute our television screens.
The garden centre Snickers award for forthcoming regrettable impulse buys
Bronze Elijah Just (New Zealand)
Ever so good for occasionally plucky New Zealand, but has the look of someone who will sink without trace in a bloated Championship squad, despite scoring a memorable goal in a League Cup second-round tie away at Northampton.
Silver John Stones (England)
Tempting, so tempting, but do not let a couple of calm performances overshadow his (lack of) availability for the past few seasons.
Gold Vozinha (Cape Verde)
Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it.
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