SerpApi.Org
Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
CHICAGO — An older man in full Cubs regalia defended the founding ideals of our great republic by smacking a younger man in the back of the head, who was at the time exercising his First Amendment right not to participate.
The older man leaned toward the seated fan and told him to stand up. Then, when the man declined to stand up, he smacked him upside the head. The younger man rose for the remainder of the anthem, at which point the older man told him to shut up and then, remarkably, thanked him for his service. That right there is the full emotional arc of American patriotism compressed into about ten seconds.
Newsweek noted that it “had not independently verified the footage,” which is media-speak for “we don’t know if this is AI and we don’t care because it went viral and we want some of that sweet outrage engagement juice.”
Nobody around the two men seemed especially troubled that a stranger had inflicted violence on another person in a country founded on the radical premise that you cannot be compelled. Which again manages to encapsulate America perfectly: older men claiming the freedom to inflict violence on other people who, in their opinion, choose wrong.
Chicago police, for their part, are aware of the incident. Being aware of an incident is different from investigating a crime, and as of Monday the department remained aware. There is no standard police complaint for “a man made me love my country against my will through violence.”
The Cubs went on to dismantle the Twins 10-1 behind twelve hits, a first-inning two-run homer from Alex Bregman, and a three-run triple from Nico Hoerner, leading to a blowout so thorough that the most competitive contest at Wrigley on Sunday was decided by a slap fight during the national anthem.
The younger man has not spoken publicly, presumably still processing the day he learned that freedom in America means the liberty to sit down, and patriotism means the guy behind smacks you upside the head until you love this country. As Jesus intended. Amen.
This is just one ripple in the ocean of weird. Dive deeper (floaties optional) at OddNews.com.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
