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Reviewed by Emily Edlynn, PhD
Key Takeaways
Avoidant attachment can be a problem for kids, because it lead to other mental health issues like feeling distrustful and emotionally numb.
Parents who are distant or emotionally unavailable might contribute to a child developing avoidant attachment, so it’s important for parents to work through their own trauma while raising kids of their own.
Kids who have avoidant attachment needs intervention from a mental health professional—parents should also consider therapy themselves.
Parenting is probably the most difficult job you’ll have in your lifetime. That’s especially true if you’re dealing with past traumas, or if you’re suffering from an addiction or mental health issue while raising kids.
Unfortunately, when managing these types of hardships, parents might not consistently show up for their children—and this can impact how kids connect with others and form relationships. They might be at a higher risk of developing an avoidant attachment style, which comes with its fair share of long-term consequences.
Here’s what to know about the signs of an avoidant attachment style, possible causes, and how to prevent it in children.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Avoidant attachment is one of the four major attachment styles—or ways to describe how people form relationships and connections. Attachment styles develop in childhood based on the actions of the primary caregivers, and they influence interpersonal relationships into adulthood. Secure attachment is considered the gold standard, while avoidant attachment is one of the “insecure” styles (along with anxious attachment and disorganized attachment).
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment is characterized by independence, as well as difficulty forming connections and expressing emotions. It can negatively affect a person’s relationships with their parents, friends, romantic interests, and co-workers in the future.
Parents might inadvertently contribute to a child’s avoidant attachment. That’s because it’s often the result of having a caregiver who is distant, emotionally unavailable, or inconsistent with their care and attention, says Shari Botwin, LCSW, author of Stolen Childhoods and Thriving After Trauma.
“In many cases, children who grow up feeling unheard, unnoticed, or uncared about develop insecure attachments with others, due to their lack of trust that the adults will be able to provide them with what they need,” says Botwin.
Research shows that around 23% of the general population might have an avoidant attachment.
Why Do Children Develop Avoidant Attachment?
Children might develop avoidant attachment for many reasons, but it’s likely the result of some form of trauma. Maybe their caregivers didn’t respond to their emotional needs, or they failed to provide consistent support and affection.
Other parental behaviors associated with avoidant attachment include being overly critical, unresponsive to crying, unpredictable, indifferent about their child’s problems, or neglectful. Certain life events (like illness or divorce) might also play a role, along with genetics.
Caregivers might act in ways that encourage avoidant attachment if they’re dealing with their own trauma, they’re overwhelmed, they’re unsure of what they’re doing, or they’re suffering from mental illness or addiction.
“When I talk to clients who were emotionally neglected as children,” says Botwin, “they tell me that their parents would minimize their feelings and downplay whatever situation they were struggling with at the time.” These kids were often told to “get over it” or “stop being so dramatic.”
Botwin adds that some people with avoidant attachment report being pushed aside as children, and “made to feel like they had to handle whatever problem they were encountering without the support of their caregivers.”
Signs Your Child Has Developed Avoidant Attachment
Below are seven signs that could indicate your child has developed an avoidant attachment style. It’s important to note that this isn’t an exhaustive list, and the signs listed below could also indicate other conditions, like stress, anxiety, depression, and more.
If you notice these traits in your child—or if you think your child might be displaying an avoidant attachment style—consult your pediatrician or a qualified developmental therapist. They can help your child receive proper support.
Note that older children, tweens, and teens might develop signs of avoidant attachment (such as emotional distance and independence) as they grow up. Most of the time, this is a normal developmental response that doesn’t warrant concern. Children suffering from avoidant attachment usually have significant histories of trauma, abuse, and neglect.
Lack of closeness with you or other adults
One of the first signs a child might be developing avoidant attachment is a lack of closeness or affection. They might confide in you less, hesitate to have conversations, or avoid any type of physical contact. For example, “they may cringe or freeze up when an adult wants to show affection,” says Botkin.
As adults, people with avoidant attachment might avoid emotional intimacy in relationships, accusing their partner of being “clingy” whenever they’re getting too close. They also shy away from becoming dependent on others.
Note, however, that if your tween or teen starts avoiding emotional closeness or talking to you less, it might be a normal part of their development. It’s usually not a cause for concern unless they have other signs or risk factors for avoidant attachment.
Distrustful of others, including friends
Kids who develop an avoidant attachment style have likely experienced a pattern of rejection in their lives. Because they now expect rejection, they may exhibit antisocial tendencies or act hostile towards others, says Botwin. They often have lower levels of trust in others.
Difficulty making decisions
Kids who are repeatedly invalidated, gaslit, or put down might have difficulty trusting others—and also themselves. As a result, they can struggle to make seemingly simple decisions—like where to go to dinner or what they want for their birthday. “They may be vague and say things like, ‘I don’t know,’” explains Botwin.
Struggles with showing affection
Children with an avoidant attachment style often keep physical distance to let adults know they’re not comfortable being touched, says Botwin. “Sometimes, others might perceive that it can feel like they have a wall around them.”
Emotionally distant or detached
A child with avoidant attachment might feel “hard to reach.” According to Botwin, “They may push you away or ignore you when you’re trying to make a connection with them.” In some cases, the child might act aggressively when an adult is trying to communicate.
Again, some level of emotional distance is normal in tweens and teens as they grow up. Parents should only worry if the child has a history of risk factors for avoidant attachment, or if the child displays other concerning symptoms.
Difficulty asking for help
Kids who have developed an avoidant attachment style likely experienced situations in early childhood where they went to a trusted adult for help, but they were shunned, shamed, or pushed away. Think of a child with a skinned knee who is met with yelling instead of hugging.
Because of this, kids might struggle to ask for help, choosing instead to keep problems to themselves. “These children often are so focused on others, they may not even know that it’s OK to ask for help,” says Botwin.
More concerned with others’ needs than their own
Many people with an avoidant attachment style become masters at “reading the room.” Kids might be overly focused on adults, says Botwin, “and if they sense the slightest bit of distress or anger from the adult, they will placate, or seek to appease, these adults.”
Other Attachment Styles
There are four major attachment styles. Aside from avoidant, the others are secure, anxious, and disorganized.
Secure Attachment: The most optimal attachment style, secure attachment develops when caregivers respond appropriately to a child’s needs. It’s characterized by trust, resilience, high self-esteem, and comfort with intimacy.
Anxious Attachment: Children with anxious attachment often suffer from fear of abandonment. They might display low self-esteem, clinginess, and emotional volatility. It’s often caused by inconsistent parenting.
Disorganized Attachment: Usually triggered by childhood fear or abuse, disorganized attachment involves difficulty regulating emotions, interpersonal issues, inconsistent relationships, low self-esteem, and more.
What To Do If Your Child Has Avoidant Attachment
If you sense that your child is developing an avoidant attachment style, it’s not too late to take action. Therapy can help kids put the brakes on the internal thoughts that lead to avoidance, plus teach them to communicate in healthier ways.
To encourage more secure attachment, “be sensitive to your children’s needs and encourage them to express their wants and feelings,” says Botwin. Let your children know they’re supported and you care about them.
Parents might consider therapy too, especially if they experienced trauma that influenced their caregiving and led to their child’s avoidant attachment. “Learning how to tend to our younger selves and finding ways to trust ourselves as new parents can help us be more emotionally present with our children,” concludes Botwin.
Read the original article on Parents
