What to do if you don’t like the person your teen is dating

Here are 14 ways to navigate the tricky territory of teen relationships with empathy, perspective, and long-term trust in mind.

Key Takeaways

• Before judging your teen’s partner, take time to reflect on your own feelings and ask thoughtful, open questions.
• Show respect and kindness to your teen’s significant other, even if you have concerns about the relationship.
• Give your teen space to learn and grow, but step in calmly if you notice signs of abuse or unhealthy behavior.

Maybe you’re not thrilled about your teen’s girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner—and you’re not alone. It’s common for parents to have concerns about who their child is dating, whether it’s due to personality differences, red flags, or just a gut feeling.

Navigating this predicament requires thoughtful reflection and, more importantly, a strategy that won’t drive a wedge between you and your child. Teens are often emotionally invested in their relationships, so any criticism can feel personal.

Before you say anything, it’s important to pause, check any assumptions, and approach the situation with curiosity rather than judgement. Here’s how to move forward when you don’t like the person your teen is dating.

Start With Self-Reflection

Before saying anything to your teen, take a moment to ask yourself: Why don’t I like their partner? Are you reacting to specific behavior or values—or are you responding to personal biases or expectations? Sometimes discomfort can stem from differences in religion, race, physical appearance, gender or gender expression, hobbies, or socioeconomic status.

Be honest with yourself. If any of these factors are at the root of your concern, then it might be a good idea to take a step back and reflecting. These qualities alone are not valid reasons to disapprove of a relationship.

However, if your concerns are rooted in something more serious—like disrespectful behavior, signs of emotional manipulation, or an overall sense that the relationship may be unhealthy relationship—it’s OK to feel protective. Just make sure that your concerns are well-founded and not based on assumptions or stereotypes.

Be Careful With Unsolicited Advice

Criticizing your teen’s partner directly or offering unsolicited advice can backfire. No matter how well-intentioned, when parents come in full force to express their displeasure, teens are bound to ignore them. Your teen may even find the object of their affection even more attractive in the face of your displeasure. If you pressure them, your teen may delve deeper into a relationship that you had hoped would be short-lived.

Rather than throwing down the gauntlet, gather information and approach the situation with an open mind. There are ways to navigate this tricky dynamic without damaging your relationship with your teen.

Ask Questions

Before jumping to conclusions about your teen’s dating life, start by asking questions. The key is to find out what your teen is thinking, what their relationship is really like, and what attracts them to this person. Tailor your questions to the specific circumstances of your teen’s relationship and dating life, including anything you’re wondering about.

Try these questions to start getting to know your teen’s partner better:

• How did you two meet?
• What are your dating partner’s interests?
• What do you enjoy doing together?
• What do you like about this person?
• What do you like best about the relationship?

Be sure you’re open-minded and truly listen to your teen’s answers. Set any preconceived notions aside and don’t jump in until your child is finished speaking. Rather than going right to adding your thoughts and concerns, aim to ask more questions.

Teens can tell when parents are trying to put them on the spot or highlight reasons the relationship won’t work. If you’re not in a place where you can genuinely ask questions and be open to the answers, hold off until you can approach it from a place of curiosity rather than mistrust or apprehension.

Trust Your Teen

Remind yourself that you raised your teenager. You worked hard to instill values, and you have to trust your teen to make good decisions eventually. Even though teenagers can often sense parental disapproval, they still need to follow their own path and make their own decisions.

As long as your teen is not in imminent danger, it’s often best to keep your feelings to yourself and allow your teen the space and support to figure it out on their own. It’s also important to acknowledge that your teen may know better about what type of person or romance is right for them than you do.

Extend an Invite

Refrain from making any quick judgments about your teen’s dating choice, and instead take some time to get to know the person. Invite their significant other over for dinner or to attend a family outing. Then, watch how your teen interacts with this person. Are there redeeming qualities about this person that you may have overlooked?

Keep an open mind and you may find that you are pleasantly surprised. Either way, you will likely end up knowing more about the person and your child’s relationship with them—and there’s a good chance that your teen will appreciate your efforts.

Look for Positive Traits

Everyone has a mix of traits and characteristics—some of which are bound to be good. So, try to view the relationship through your teen’s eyes. What does your teen see in this person? What is the attraction?

Understanding where your teen is coming from will go a long way in equipping you with the understanding and empathy you’ll need to accept the relationship. It’s better for your relationship with your child if you have a real understanding of the attraction to this person and the loss your teen may be experiencing if and when the relationship comes to an end.

Make an Effort

As much as you may not like who your teen is dating, make every effort to be kind, respectful, and approachable. Remember, if you’re rude and standoffish, you will likely receive the same treatment in return. Do what you can to make your teen’s significant other feel welcome in your home.

Making an effort to be welcoming can help your teen’s significant other relax and put forth the best version of themselves. Try striking up a conversation or offering a genuine compliment. The goal is to show to your teen—and their partner—that you want to get to know them better. No one enjoys being in a home where they feel unwelcome, so do your best to be inviting.

Keep in mind that if the two lovebirds are comfortable in your home, it will be easier for you to observe the relationship and monitor how it develops. And your teen will be more likely to turn to you for advice, support, or help if they ever need it.

Take a Long-Term View

As difficult as it might be for you to watch your teen date someone who you feel is not right for them, it’s important that you don’t rush in to change things. Often, it’s much more effective to take a long-term view of the relationship.

Realistically, most teen relationships don’t last. It’s rare for high school sweethearts to make it to the altar. Reminding yourself of this fact can be very grounding—it’s very possible the relationship will run its own course. Many teen relationships last months or even just weeks before the sparks fizzle out—or they turn their attention to someone else.

According to the Pew Research Center, only 35% of teens have some experience with dating relationships and only 18% are actually in relationships. So the likelihood that any particular teen relationship is going to be long-term is low. 

Give Your Teen Space

Teens need to learn how to make and deal with their own decisions. They also need the freedom to make mistakes and learn from those choices. If you focus on ending or micromanaging their relationships, you’ll risk disrupting their learning process and sabotaging their self-esteem, developing autonomy, and self-confidence.

It’s important to allow teens the space to discover who they are, in terms of dating and as a person in general. If given space, they will likely discover both what they want and don’t want in a relationship—all of which are important to their future relationships.

Tip

Remember that most teens, and even some young adults, yearn for the approval and acceptance of their parents, even if they claim otherwise. Keep this in mind when you discuss their romantic relationship, and remember that it isn’t wise to push your teen or try to control the situation.

Don’t Make Threats

Giving your teen an ultimatum is never a good idea, and it will only alienate your child. Plus, should your teen keep dating this person, they are much less likely to let you know when your help is actually wanted or needed. The fear is that you will say, “I told you so,” or be disappointed in their poor judgment.

As much as you might think this relationship is a bad idea, never resort to threatening your teen in order to get what you want. These tactics are controlling, abusive, and rarely effective.

Choose Your Words Carefully

If you witness something you don’t think is appropriate, it’s important that you express yourself in a calm and respectful manner. Remember, your teen cares about this person and is likely going to be defensive.

It can be helpful to speak in general terms when expressing your concerns. For example, if you witness your teen’s dating partner criticizing what they are wearing, you could bring it up by asking how it makes them feel. Ask what they think rather than offering your opinion. The goal is to help them realize that this behavior is not part of a respectful, healthy relationship.

Keep Communication Open

Check in with your teen from time to time about the relationship. Teens should be made to feel that if they are having a problem, they can come to you for help without fear of being criticized. Plus, if you make it a regular thing to ask about what’s going on, then you’ll be more likely to know what’s going on in your teen’s life.

It’s important that your teen feels safe coming to you and believes that you will help, even if you have a different opinion. Make sure your teen feels respected, even if they see things differently than you. This will go a long way in keeping the lines of communication open and help to keep your bond strong.

Have the Sex Talk (Again)

If your teen is dating, it is likely that you have already talked about sex, sexting, sexual assault, and other hot-button issues. And while you may believe there may be little risk of your teen becoming sexually active, or worse, being assaulted, it is always a good idea to talk about these issues with your teen.

A few reminders never hurt. Sure, it might make you both uncomfortable, but being educated is an important part of handling intimacy in a healthy way. Don’t be surprised if your teen is angry or put off by the conversation. If handled correctly, you can have conversations about sex in a non-confrontational way.

Intervene if There Is Abuse

When it comes to intervening in a teen relationship, the exception to the rule is abuse. If you fear for your teen’s safety, either emotional or physical, you should never stay on the sidelines. While you should not assume you can take complete control of the situation, you do need to guide your teen on how to end the relationship and stay safe.

In serious cases, this might involve contacting the police, getting a restraining order, and working with your teen’s school on a safety plan. Also, it is important that your teen is involved in how and when the relationship ends. Rushing into a break up too soon can not only cause them to get back together, but it also could put your teen at an increased risk for harm.

If your teen is experiencing dating abuse, let them know there are multiple resources available to them. Also, be sure they know that you’re there for them and don’t blame them for what happened.

Resources for Teens

The organization Love Is Respect offers talk, text, and online chat options for people dealing with dating abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) has counselors available day or night to talk, and the website offers the ability to chat live online. The key is to let teens know that they are not alone. Aside from you, they have an entire network of people who want to help them.

Read the original article on Parents