The manosphere wants men to fear women. Supergirl taught me to learn from them.

I’llbehonest. Superman was never really a hero to me. I’ve never subscribed to pop culture’s attempt to indoctrinate generations of boys into a lackluster, misleading concept of masculinity and power.

As an American millennial, I’ve been socialized to observe so many superheroes’ performative masculinity (in comic books, TV and movies): the muscles, the *** appeal and the stoic exterior. But I could tell, early on, that it wasn’t authentic. While I could relate to Superman’s feelings of societal alienation and imposter syndrome, that’s about it. I should’ve been more inspired by his ability to bench press buildings or his rivalry with the sinister Lex Luthor, but that did nothing for me either. 

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As a child, I was far more impressed with his cousin and peer, Kara Zor-El, the fabulously formidable Supergirl (or, in some more thoughtful iterations, Superwoman). My queer inner child relished the opportunity to learn more about a superhero whose emotional strength was just as resonant as her physical capabilities. After watching the most recent iteration of ‘Supergirl,’ starring Milly Alcock, I can’t help but reflect on why so many queer men, like myself, have been found refuge in the strength and wit of women superheroes. 

Now at 32, I can vividly recall the unspoken expectations of what it means to be a “man” ― all but forced upon me during my upbringing. I remember being lambasted, to the point of tears, by a gaggle of male cousins for wanting a pink stuffed animal on a family trip to Cedar Point. I remember being told not to cry when my grandfather had just passed away, moments prior, holding my hand. I also remember the sharp sting of the first time someone — a camp counselor who was tasked to protect and guide me — called me the F-word out of frustration. I was only 10 years old and didn’t even have my own language to describe my ****** orientation yet. 

I found so many ridiculously rigid guardrails of masculinity as a young person, IRL and in the manosphere, that I sought solace in fictional characters, such as Supergirl, who actively embodied the opposite. She defied faux tenets of valor disguised as strength, and she was just as heroic as her male counterparts. And she just happened to be a woman.

Supergirl’s origin story, at its core, sees her entire world flipped upside down. She’s forced to navigate a new environment that is initially unwelcoming to her and that underestimates her abilities solely because she’s a woman. Never mind that her superpowers mirror her male cousin’s, and that, in most continuities, her experience wielding them supersedes his. Supergirl is still undermined because she doesn’t represent the impossible doctrine of manhood that only exists to comfort male fragility. 

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As a gay man, I know this dynamic well. I’m all too familiar with the pitfalls that accompany the perilous journey of self-discovery while fighting for the opportunity to be taken as seriously as my straight peers because I refuse to fake a persona to accommodate male superiority.

My relationship with Supergirl and her roster of peers, which includes legendary, fictional women who simultaneously engaged in combat with both the patriarchy and intergalactic villains, runs deep. It reminds me of the communal relationship between so many women and queer men. We both belong to marginalized groups that are unwillingly socialized to accommodate the patriarchy at the expense of our mental health, self-esteem and quality of life. 

The depiction of characters like Supergirl, Storm, Jean Grey and Wonder Woman taught me a model of masculinity that embraced vulnerability, empathy, confidence, and, more coincidentally, glamour. They taught me that healthy masculinity doesn’t have to be synonymous with the sexist ideologies that both subconsciously and more brazenly attempt to brainwash me into an incel.

That’s why I believe that the evolving character of Supergirl is crucial in combating the treacherous tentacles of the manosphere. While I struggle to recall learning about this online world filled with anti-feminist ideologies where prior to this year, I realize that it’s always existed. 

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While I didn’t grow up in the orbit of misogynistic podcast hosts spewing dangerous, uninformed rhetoric, I have too many memories to count of adult men who’ve tried to impress their sexist ideas upon me. I embrace a different kind of manhood unmarred by the straight male gaze. I’ve spent the last three decades of my life experiencing how the throes of toxic masculinity have claimed the lives and dreams of my queer siblings and women allies — and embracing women superheroes give me hope for a shift.

I do hope that young boys see themselves in them, and hopefully understand that male confidence does not equate to female suppression. If not, what kind of world are we leaving them to inherit? 

And while I’m not relying solely on Supergirl to save the world and smash the patriarchy, she’s is capable of extraordinary feats of power — so I wouldn’t put it past her, either.