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The text from my cousin Beth read, “Casting needs extras for the upcoming 3rd season of ‘And Just Like That’!”
My body burned. Was it menopause or PTSD?
Culture: ‘And Just Like That... ’ Was An Insult To ‘*** And The City’
“Send in your headshot,” Beth texted, encouraging me to see if I could get a spot on the follow-up series to “*** and the City.”
“No way,” I texted back, not wanting to be humiliated again.
My essays about what it was like to be the stand-in for Kristin Davis, who played Charlotte on “*** and the City,” went viral a few years ago. As her stand-in for four years, I mimicked the positions she would use in each scene so that the production team could work out all of the technical kinks, like lighting and camera setup, before each scene was shot. I thought my job would be a stepping stone to getting a speaking part on the iconic HBO series, and then I’d land my big break. Instead, the experience paralyzed me.
Crew members made fun of my long nose, remarked on my big butt and boobs, and started a rumor that I had given a person in a senior position a *******, which all led up to an incident during the second episode of the show’s fourth season, entitled “The Real Me,” about Charlotte’s “depressed vagina.”
At the end of a long filming day, the crew duct-taped my feet to the stirrups of an exam table in a mock doctor’s office and took Polaroids as I tried to free myself. The crew laughed at the prank. I was horrified.
HBO responded to my Glamour Magazine piece about what happened that day with a statement that read, “We have always taken seriously our responsibility to create a safe environment for everyone working on our productions, and we are very disappointed to learn of Ms. Kristin’s experience 20 years ago.”
However, the stars of the show and its producers, including Sarah Jessica Parker, never commented on what I’d been through or reached out to me privately.
Buzz: Kristin Davis Believes '*** And The City' Will Return Despite Revival's Panned Finale
Now, years later, Beth wasn’t the only one suggesting that I submit my selfie to the “AJLT” casting team. More and more friends were texting me to give it a shot, but I told them all no. Still, I began to wonder if they might be right. I had so many unresolved issues from my original experience with the show, which had led to nightmares. Maybe this was what I needed to finally get some closure. My inner voice told me I had to go back to move forward. I submitted my headshot.
When I told my 14-year-old daughter Daisy I’d been booked, her jaw dropped. She had heard my stories about working in show business and couldn’t believe what I’d endured to secure a steady paycheck and to qualify for the Screen Actors Guild health insurance.
“Why would you return when you were mistreated?” she asked me. “I would never work with misogynists.”
She was just two months into her freshman year at New York City’s Fiorello H. Laguardia High School of Music and Art — which inspired the movie and TV series “Fame” — and she already knew her worth. I was so proud of her. And she had a point.
Buzz: Kristin Davis Called This '*** And The City' Scene 1 Of The Most 'Embarrassing' To Film
“There were good days,” I said, wanting Daisy to know life is full of complicated choices and that very few things are all one thing or the other.
I pulled out a cardboard box from underneath my bed and sorted through photos of me with Davis, Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kim Cattrall. I never would’ve guessed there had been any rifts between the show’s stars at that time — just like the producers and writers seemed not to know what happened to me.
I remembered when Davis gave me a silk butterfly dress, and the car rides we frequently shared over the 59th Street Bridge after a long day on set. As the sun rose, we talked of men, fame and our lives. My family had needed financial assistance from the government when I was growing up, and my mother, sister and I were homeless when I was 10, so working 30-60 hours a week on the iconic show made me feel like I had truly made it.
Even if I didn’t want Birkin bags, cosmopolitans and cupcakes, I wanted to maintain the relationships I was forming. I wanted what the four leads seemed to have with each other in a glittery city where adventures in love always seemed to be right around the corner... or the next episode.
Buzz: Cynthia Nixon And Kristin Davis Share Emotional Farewell As 'And Just Like That... ' Wraps Up
The night before filming “AJLT,” I assured my youngest daughter, Clover, age 9, that I wouldn’t be nervous when I returned to the set. I told her I’d keep my emotions in check. That promise crumbled the moment I arrived on the Upper East Side at 5:30 a.m. to a huge holding space filled with dozens of extras. My heart palpitated.
After hair and makeup, we waited to be picked by production and taken to set a few blocks away. An hour later, a production assistant brought us to a side street and told us to wait. We stood (and after a while, sat) on the curb for hours. I noticed the crew looked different than when I worked on “*** and the City.” There were now more women and people of color.
As the day wore on, the kind crew offered us water and snacks. The city, the noise and my fears all melted away as filming began and I was placed alongside several other extras on the sidewalk and told to walk back and forth toward the camera. I wasn’t sure the four main characters were even working that day, but I was grateful to be paid $215 for eight hours of work — much better than most of my freelance writing gigs.
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After a long day of filming, I stood blocks away from the set and far from the glare of its giant lights. My kids would be home from school soon, and I’d return from playing a Park Avenue passerby and once again be their mom.
Suddenly, a high-pitched voice sang out: “Heather! Is that you?”
I looked up to see Kristin Davis walking toward me. She was wearing glasses and had no makeup on to cover her naturally flawless skin. Several women on the sidewalk watched, wide-eyed.
She quickly drew me into her arms for a hug. I was in shock.
She pulled back, eyebrows arched, and studied me for a second.
“What have you been up to?” she asked with a warm smile.
My chest tightened.
“My oldest daughter is a freshman at LaGuardia,” I blurted out. “I helped her with monologues for her entrance audition!” It was my proudest accomplishment.
“Did you tell Cynthia? That’s so exciting. You must tell her!”
I assumed she meant Cynthia Nixon. I hadn’t seen her since last year, when I randomly bumped into her at the 34th Street subway station. We froze for a second, and then she said, “I know, I know,” before dashing off.
“I’ve also been mentoring teens for 10 years at Girls Write Now,” I added.
She looked proud of me — the kind of look I’d craved for years from my mom, who had, at times, abandoned me.
She hugged me again, this time longer. It felt like we were sisters coming together after years of not talking.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered in my ear. “I’m really sorry.”
“It’s OK,” I said.
I knew that she knew what I had been through.
“Things happen for a reason. We grow and learn,” I said, returning her gaze.
Tears threatened to break through. She was no longer a ghost of my past, she was here whispering, “I’m sorry.” It was the recognition and validation I’d waited for years to receive.
She squeezed me tighter, then released me.
“We really must get the girls together!”
“Absolutely,” I said, mirroring her big eyes, sighs and giggles like we had so many times before. We were more alike than I had remembered.
The knot in my chest loosened ever so slightly. I was no longer her stand-in — or anyone else’s. After she left, the sun peeked in between the clouds. I could finally see the blessings of all those hard moments and how never allowing myself to be cowed in silence has made me the writer, wife, mother and mentor I am today.
No longer in the shadows, I walked into my own light.
Heather Kristin has written for The Washington Post, Glamour, The Independent, Salon, Slate, and has been interviewed on Latino NPR and by Oprah. She’s worked many jobs, including Park Avenue nanny, extra on films, subway busker, cocktail waitress, but she’s most proud of being a Girls Write Now mentor, mommy, and violinist. She’s currently writing a memoir, “The Stand-In.”
This piece was previously published on HuffPost and is being shared again now as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series.
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