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Dr Laura Berman is a sex, love and relationship therapist, and best-selling author of 10 books on sex and relationships. She lives in California with her husband.
If there’s one issue I see more than any other in my clinical work, it’s couples affected by mismatched libido, or uneven desire. Unsurprisingly, it’s usually the partner who wants more sex who first seeks my help.
After three decades of helping clients (and being married myself for almost as long) I know regular sex is crucial for keeping couples bonded. When one partner wants sex more this can unravel even happy relationships. Because when sex is working, it’s just one part of the relationship. When it’s not working, the emotional fabric of the whole marriage can become eroded.
In long-term relationships, desire doesn’t come from chemistry alone, but in connection; choosing each other again and again.
The good news is, uneven desire is very solvable. When you both want to make it work (and are both willing to take responsibility and make changes) then there’s no relationship that can’t be fixed.
Why mismatched libidos are so common
Early in a relationship, couples experience what neuroscientists call the “infatuation stage”. Dopamine – the brain’s reward and addiction chemical – is firing intensely. A brain scan of someone newly in love would show the dopamine centres lit up dramatically when they just think about their partner.
This honeymoon phase can last from three months to three years, depending on how quickly a couple gets comfortable and complacent, dropping their dirty socks on the floor. Society simply couldn’t function if we were permanently infatuated, so eventually we move into the “attachment phase” – a softer, steadier, more sustainable form of bonding.
The problem is, many people equate love with that early intensity. When the dopamine rush fades, when sex naturally becomes less frequent or spontaneous, they panic and worry they’ve fallen out of love.
Desire changes shape after infatuation, but I promise you can absolutely have a deeply satisfying, exciting sex life. It just requires a little effort. And getting off your screens.
Interestingly, more and more in the last five years I’ve been seeing younger couples – many only in their 30s – where one party is disgruntled that they’re not getting enough action in the bedroom. I place much of the blame here on modern technology. Couples might spend the night on the sofa together, but they’re getting their dopamine hits from social media instead of from touching and talking. Please, just put your phones down.
The difference between men and women
There’s a general assumption that men want more sex than women – and, yes, this is often what I see in my clinic. For women especially, desire is closely tied to hormones. Testosterone – which plays a major role in libido, genital sensation, nipple sensitivity and energy – starts declining in the mid-to-late 30s. A woman in her 20s has roughly double the testosterone of a woman in her 60s.
Statistically, we estimate that around 30 per cent of women experience low sexual desire – and that study was of women under 59, so it’s happening even before menopause. Stress of any kind majorly affects desire.
Add in motherhood, exhaustion, breastfeeding-related hormonal shifts, not to mention medications like SSRIs or unresolved relationship resentment, and desire plummets further. Perimenopause and menopause can bring additional factors like vaginal atrophy and dryness that make sex uncomfortable, which understandably leads to avoidance.
For many women, hormone support can help restore comfort and interest. Most menopausal women benefit from more warm-up time, direct stimulation, and tools like vibrators or lubricants to increase blood flow and sensation.
This may sound depressing, yet in long-term relationships, desire rarely starts with spontaneous arousal, especially for women. It often starts with willingness to be in the mood, to give it a go, and – once sexual activity begins – many discover they enjoy it and feel more connected afterward. This creates a positive feedback loop.
Men, meanwhile, don’t just want sex – they enjoy feeling wanted. So I encourage women to do the initiating, pay them compliments, touch your partner, be playful.
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Why sex matters
Couples tell me all the time, “We’re more like roommates than lovers”. Physical affection fades because it feels loaded – typically she interprets a kiss as an initiation, which creates anxiety or avoidance so eventually, even cuddling disappears. He understandably feels rejected.
Arguments erupt over trivial things; the way the dishwasher is stacked, who last bought petrol, how the kids are handled. But the underlying issue is disconnection and resentment.
Partners stop seeing each other as allies and start seeing each other as adversaries: the rejecter and the rejected.
This classic pattern I call the sex–romance stalemate. In many heterosexual relationships women feel emotional closeness through conversations and affection, whereas many men need sex to achieve this emotional bonding.
When sex stops, he feels less emotionally connected and becomes less romantic, she then feels less emotionally connected… and becomes even less interested in sex. Neither is trying to punish the other, but the cycle feeds itself.
If sex has ground to a halt entirely… try this
Take sex off the table
When sex has become fraught, or non-existent, I often take it completely off the table (for up to a month) to take the pressure off. During that time, I instead prescribe that the couple commit to spending 30 minutes alone together once a week when they cannot talk about any household or childcare logistics, and they can’t have phones. Sex is explicitly not allowed, only kissing, cuddling (not touching breasts or genitals), playing music and talking.
This creates safety, and desire returns surprisingly often once pressure is removed.
The kissing game
This is a fun one. I ask a couple to take it in turns to kiss the other one exactly how they like to be kissed.
I also use structured exercises like sensate focus, which involves gently touching each other in a sensual way (not a massage), where orgasm is absolutely not the goal. This helps couples reconnect physically without performance pressure.
I would say that 75 per cent of couples return to my therapy room smiling and confiding they “broke the rules” and ended up having sex. Once pressure disappears, arousal can often re-emerge naturally.
The compliment exchange
Women can hold back from complimenting their men, fearing it will send a signal, “I’m up for it”. But once sex is off the table, they can feel safer to say “your bum looks great in those jeans”. Be flirty – if you want to cheekily pinch his bottom or even grab his crotch, he’ll likely be thrilled.
To keep momentum… try this
Scheduling sex
Spontaneity is a Hollywood film myth for most long-term couples – especially those with children. If you wait for sex to “just happen”, you’ll be waiting a very long time. Planning sex removes ambiguity, reduces rejection anxiety (there’s no “will she reject me?”) and allows anticipation and preparation (send that saucy text, shave your legs).
Scheduling this time creates safety for the lower-desire partner. Yes, it can feel awkward at first, but over time, couples often begin to look forward to it. And if sex is cancelled for any reason, the person who cancels must take responsibility for rescheduling. Accountability matters.
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When it’s the woman wanting more sex… try this
Take a break from porn
This dynamic is more common than admitted. Studies suggest about one in five men struggle with low desire. I actually believe that number is significantly under-reported because men are “supposed” to want sex all the time, so are less likely to admit they don’t, or seek help.
For men, the biggest libido killers tend to be hormonal or medical issues, performance anxiety, financial or work-related stress and excessive porn use. During Covid, porn became freely available (as some companies capitalised and made content free) and usage skyrocketed, but as porn powerfully activates the brain’s dopamine centres, it trains the brain to respond to two-dimensional stimulation, and many men who consume large amounts of porn can struggle to feel aroused by a real, three-dimensional partner. Over time, avoidance sets in – not just because porn feels easier, but because performance anxiety grows. Taking a break from porn is the first thing I’d advise.
Stop mothering your partner
In addition to stress and medical issues, I often see what I jokingly call “alpha woman syndrome.” Highly capable, independent women can unintentionally slip into controlling roles managing everything, correcting everything, and unconsciously mothering their partner.
Desire collapses for most men in this situation, and women need to learn to let go (I know, as I’m a recovering alpha woman myself). If you come home and your husband has bathed the children while they’re still in their underwear (yes, this happened to me!) try and think “does it really matter?” and not criticise.
One powerful exercise I use when alpha woman syndrome is in the way of your relationship is the “surrender date”. He plans everything for the date, picking the venue, how you get there and what she wears. She gives up control entirely, with no criticism or micromanaging. It reveals the existing patterns between a couple instantly, which is not only helpful but can also help to reignite attraction.
How often ‘should’ couples be having sex?
This is one of the most common questions I’m asked. Usually the person asking wants ammunition, so they can go home to their partner and say “I told you we were having plenty!” or “I told you it wasn’t enough!”.
There’s no universal rule. But clinically, I believe that a couple who wants a strong emotional bond should not go more than two weeks without sex, barring illness or crisis. Ideally, once a week is better. Don’t forget, sex isn’t just about pleasure – it supports immune health, cardiovascular health, mood regulation and relationship stability.
As told to Susanna Galton
Dr Laura Berman’s latest book, Sex Magic: Take Your Body, Mind, and Relationship to the Next Level with Spectacular Intimacy is on sale now. Instagram: @DrLauraBerman
Many valid circumstances can temporarily lower sexual desire such as illness, mental health challenges, trauma, grief or the demands of caring for a newborn. The above advice is intended for couples not currently navigating those situations.
