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With all the social activities of today's world, etiquette can feel like quite the balancing act. Knowing all the right things to say and do—or not do—can matter a lot, but especially so when you're hanging out in a group.
More than that, though, it can feel like everything you do is under a microscope when more people are around to perceive you. Do you feel like you're not as polite as you're trying to come off as? Are you saying anything that doesn't quite fit the context? August Abbott, a certified etiquette consultant and Manners & Social Protocol Expert on JustAnswer, says she receives hundreds of questions about this topic every year.
One thing to avoid that tops her list is being a know-it-all and dominating in conversations to the point where people might not want to have you around anymore.
"You are convinced you know everything about the subject matter and your job on Earth is to teach everyone else to think and believe like you do," she tells Parade. "If you can’t remember the last time you were invited to a party or any social gathering with people who know you relatively well, this may be why."
If you want to brush up on your people skills and make sure you're invited to the next group hangout, take it from three etiquette experts who share 11 habits that could be making you "instantly unlikable" in group settings. Plus tips on how to smoothly navigate these scenarios in the future.
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11 Habits That Make You ‘Instantly Unlikable’ in Group Settings, According to an Etiquette Expert
Some of the behaviors on this list might surprise you.
1. Being late
Do you know someone who's constantly late to meetups, no matter where you're going or what you're doing? Those people can often come off as unlikable, according to etiquette consultant Jodi RR Smith, who is also the President and owner of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting and specializes in social and professional conduct.
Not only are these people hard to plan with, but they create unnecessary tension in the group, she says.
"This is the person who is consistently late for the show, the reservation, the train," she tells Parade. "It creates stress and anxiety for the group."
2. Constantly teasing
Some of us indeed enjoy poking fun at our friends, especially if it's reciprocal. But when it teeters on being excessive or turns into something that feels like bullying, Smith says that's where the fun should stop.
"This is the person who enjoys pointing out others' flaws or foibles in order to embarrass them," she shares. "Often it's a long-ago event that would be better off forgotten."
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3. Forgetting people's names
If you're constantly meeting new people, it can be difficult to remember every single person's name who you come across. It's totally understandable, but you can come off as unlikable if you're that person who can never recall who someone is, says Nick Leighton, an Emmy Award-winning journalist and co-host of the manners podcast "Were You Raised By Wolves?"
"We all forget people’s names, but it’s polite to try to remember," he explains.
Not making an effort to remember people's names signals a sign of disrespect and tells people that you might not care for them all that much, states Leighton.
"Going out of your way to not even bother tells people that they’re forgettable to you. And nobody likes that," he notes.
4. Making jokes at others' expense
Sometimes, pointing out something about another person that seems funny to you isn't actually a joke; it's just hurtful, according to Leighton.
"If you have to say, 'Just joking,' it probably means it wasn’t actually something funny," he states. "If your punchline is coming at someone else’s expense, it’s just rude."
5. Correcting someone's opinion
We all have opinions, and tons of them. That's what makes us all different and unique. If someone is sharing theirs, try not to speak over them and declare that your opinion is better than the one that they're bringing up in the group.
"Opinions are not necessarily facts, and each of us has them," explains Abbott. "What we believe about this, that or the other thing is something we are entitled to, and no one else is entitled to call us wrong. Nor should we similarly attempt to change them."
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6. Speaking too loudly
If you don't know who this person in your friend group is, could it be you? Maybe, Abbott says.
"We all know at least [one] person who speaks just short of the yelling octave," she notes. "If you look left and it’s not them, look right, and it’s not them, it just may be you."
Speaking too loudly when hanging out with a group of people is a big turn-off and can make it difficult to be around, but it's also just impolite, she shares.
"If it’s you with your volume turned up way too high, no matter the cause, the immediate cure is to be aware of it," she tells Parade. "This is very hard to do if your vocal levels are [high] because you really can’t hear yourself. Practice in private or with people you trust."
7. Being glued to your phone
Phones can be so addicting to a lot of us. But using them while being in a group setting can make it seem like you're not being all that aware or present.
"Glancing at your phone or smartwatch while you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone is rude," states Leighton. "It says that whatever is happening on your phone is more interesting or more important than the person right in front of you. That’s not a great feeling."
8. Being a "dialogue dominator"
Have you ever been with a group of people and just can't get a word in, because someone is dominating the entire conversation? It's an unlikable habit, and if you're guilty of it, that means that you're showcasing that you might not be all that interested in what anyone else has to say.
"This is the person who takes up all of the oxygen by turning a chat into a monologue," explains Smith.
9. Talking too much about yourself
We've all met this person. They brag and go on and on about how great their life is, and suddenly you wonder why you've stuck around so long listening.
This is a huge part of what can make someone unlikable. While it can seem like you're trying to come off as charming by doing this, it's actually causing you to be the opposite, according to Leighton.
"When you talk about your net worth, your connections or how much time you spend at the gym in order to try to impress others, it usually has the opposite effect," he says. "Avoid name dropping or status flexing."
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10. Leaving too early
While interacting with people after work or on a weekend when you'd rather be at home by yourself, don't leave the party too early, especially if you've committed to be there and have nowhere better to be.
According to Smith, it's bad manners to leave too suddenly and too quickly.
"Don't be the person who evaluates the interaction and decides to leave early," she advises.
11. Outdoing others
This one can be quite common, but Abbott's best advice is to just listen rather than trying to outdo someone's accomplishments. It can feel like you're just trying to relate to others, but it usually comes off as bragging or taking over their story.
"If we can change our perspective to one of being just an observer and finding them rather amusing, we escape trying to outdo others," she says.
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How To Avoid These Things Altogether—in Group Settings and in General
While many of us might associate being "likable" with being charismatic, according to Leighton, this actually isn't the case at all. Instead, he says to avoid being inconsiderate in group settings and that ultimately likability can come down to a few things.
"We all want to feel seen, listened to and respected," he explains. "So be curious about people, give them the space to share and give them your full attention."
Giving people your full attention can also mean staying off technology, says Smith. Especially in a large group of people, prioritizing being in the moment is the best way to show people you're being present.
"Even young children can tell when they are your focus versus when you split your attention," she reveals. "It is a gift to be present and engaged with the group."
While social media is a huge part of our lives, she advises that the more we stay focused on the people in front of us, the better we come off.
"Posting one or two pics is fine. But then put down your phone and interact with your friends," the etiquette consultant shares.
She also says it's important to avoid dominating entire conversations so you can "be aware of air-time."
"True conversations consist of give and take. If you have been speaking for a while, stop. Take a breath. Ask a question. Allow others to share as well," she explains.
Abbott also says that staying out of conversations between two people isn't rude; it can actually be rude to give your two cents. While it's perfectly normal to jump into a discussion, you have to gauge when the appropriate time to do so is.
"When you hear others' conversations, it’s not a free-for-all to butt in, especially if it’s between two people," she explains. "Even in a group, don’t talk over anyone and don’t come into the conversation hot and ready to straighten everyone out."
Related: How to Politely End a Conversation With Someone Who Won’t Stop Talking
How to Smoothly Navigate Group Settings
There are a few unspoken rules to go by if you want to easily navigate group settings in a way that makes you likable.
Abbott mentions that sometimes people who aren't quite your speed will be present in group scenarios, and depending on what those people are like, you have to act accordingly.
For example, if you're in the presence of someone who's a know-it-all, there are a few ways you can smoothly navigate being around them. The best thing is, surprisingly, nothing. At least if you want them to like you. Why? Because oftentimes, not giving energy to someone else's annoying behavior will make you seem like a better person.
"I highly recommend this option," she shares. "It’s actually very amusing, which takes the wind out of the sails of the know-it-all and maybe even helps them see themselves through others’ eyes."
According to Leighton, being in a group of people will usually mean that you should "be as interested as you are interesting." This allows you to seem likable since you're showing an interest in what others say, not just in what you have to say.
With this, he also points out that it's important to be inclusive of everyone present. Amicable people are so valued because they make everyone feel like they belong.
"Be sure to include everyone in the conversation. The most charming [person] in groups is typically the [one] who is making everyone else feel welcome," he explains.
Navigating smoothly in groups can also be as simple as trying your best to agree on logistics before a hang out, such as "timing, location, attire and costs," according to Smith.
"The more you discuss in advance, the easier it is to be a valued member of the group," she notes.
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Sources:
- August Abbott is a certified etiquette consultant and Manners & Social Protocol Expert on JustAnswer based in California.
- Jodi RR Smith is the President and owner of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting, as well as an etiquette consultant specializing in social and professional conduct.
- Nick Leighton is an Emmy Award-winning journalist and co-host of the podcast "Were You Raised By Wolves?"
