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We all like to think we know what we stand for, but sometimes, internalized misogyny can sneak up on us in ways we never expect. Recently, I asked women of the BuzzFeed Community to share the moment they realized they were holding onto beliefs or judgments that didn't align with their values, and that moment of realization when internalized misogyny revealed itself.
Their responses were candid, insightful, and sometimes uncomfortable, and that's exactly what makes them so important. Most of us absorbed these beliefs so young that we might not even notice them until a thought, conversation, or turning point makes us finally question where those ideas came from. So, here's what these 27 women had to say:
1."I used to give dirty looks to women who were better looking than I was, until I realized the reason I was doing so was because they most likely could get more men than I could, which is a dumb reason to dislike someone! People cannot help what they look like. I am so over that. I do not judge people on their looks, and I try to be nice to others."
2."As a kid, I was a huge male supremacist. I thought men were reasonable and women were emotional, and that my father and brother were more rational than I was. I prided myself on being tough and thought I was more competent than other girls or women. My toxic masculinity included the idea that 'big kids' should not cry (that's what little kids and toddlers do). But I would sometimes cry, then get angry at myself for crying, and cry more out of anger. I could not pinpoint the exact moment I changed, but it happened between eighth and 10th grade. I guess I just got older, started thinking differently, and started listening to others, including my mother. I realized it was OK to be a woman and even discovered the joys of femininity. I now strive to be considerate of others, especially other women. I have also realized that being feminine is completely fine and can be very positive."
3."I was in social studies class at 7 a.m. (free me). A new girl from a few counties over had just moved to my school. She was so beautiful. But then, I noticed she had underarm hair. I thought to myself, she would look so much better without armpit hair. I almost immediately checked myself because I had no idea why that was my first thought. I now proudly wear my body hair and do not care what anyone says (my family). I ended up dating that girl and am still happily dating her after two years."
—Anonymous, 22, Kentucky
4."I responded to a prompt in a book called The Artist's Way, which asked readers to identify their heroes and then the people they admired in secret. My first list contained men, and my second list contained women. It made me angry that I had been ridiculed into not admiring women."
—Anonymous
5."When I was reading about the US Women's World Cup, I remembered something my father said when my sister and I were in our late teens. I had commented on the WNBA, and he replied, 'The only way the WNBA will take off is if they play topless.' As a grown woman, I am appalled that anyone would say such a thing, let alone a man to his impressionable teenage daughters. Sadly, while I was doing a deep dive on my beliefs, he was the least of my problems. My family is full of misogyny. Several of my female family members actually say we should be deferring to men and that they would never vote for a woman. I combat this by listening whenever someone comments on misogyny and never getting defensive. If someone actually said anything to me, I'd just thank them. I often feel terrible because I know that I've behaved badly because of these influences, but I do not know how to rectify those mistakes."
6."I realized when I started looking at women who were wearing 'revealing' outfits and judging them. Now, I sit there and correct myself internally and remind myself that clothing is not what we should be judging people for."
7."Going through old love letters. I saved them because I thought they would one day brighten my mood. Upon reading them, I realized I was so desperate for male validation at the time, and saving them was supposed to remind me of my worthiness."
8."Growing up in a religious household and seeing how society treats them, I always thought lowly of sex workers, mainly escorts. It got to the point where I felt violence toward them wasn't that bad. For example, if they were missing or murdered, I questioned why people were wasting their time investigating. But as I got older, I realized it was never sex workers versus 'normal women.' We were made to feel like we have value for not being them, but in fact, we do not, and it's been proven time and time again."
—Anonymous, 22
9."When I was around 28, I had the profound realization that when I saw other women, I objectified us both. I objectified them and myself, then compared these objectified images to each other. I realized I did this to compete and compare who is a better sexual object for men. Horrible. Today, I really try not to form an opinion about how other women look at all. I do not want to be a part of that system anymore; I made subconscious contributions long enough."
—Anonymous, 35, Florida
10."I think women are terrible drivers. Unfortunately, and statistically, women do cause more car crashes than men*, but to generalize this and apply it to an entire gender is an internalized misogynistic viewpoint. As a proficient driver myself and also a woman, I am a walking, talking example that this is not true, but here we are."
11."I'm lucky enough to have an amazing partner who really does 50 percent of the work when it comes to our children. Yet I always feel bad, to the point of causing arguments, that I'm not doing most of the work. I keep thinking he will get fed up with me and leave because I'm not doing more. I know it's not true, but the way society has this concept ingrained in us is absolutely unhinged."
—Anonymous, 31, Ontario
12."After finding common ground with other childfree women, I realized how critical I had felt toward women who happened to be mothers and juggled a career or education at the same time. I thought that their struggles were their own fault based on their life choices. The point is, society does not blame or judge men or fathers the same way. Women should back women."
13."When I started university, I hated feminism. I did not understand the definition and just thought that only really annoying girls and attention seekers were feminists. It didn't take me too long to realize that feminists simply want equality for all genders. 10 years later, I'm at the complete opposite end of the spectrum from my 17-year-old self. I see misogyny everywhere, and now I'm that 'annoying' feminist my old self would have hated."
14."I knew it was bad when my stay-at-home, 1950s grandmother told me, 'Now, what man fed you that nonsense idea?' I was very lost for her of all people to say that."
—Anonymous, 22, Michigan
15."I was a stereotypical 'girly girl' growing up, and during the 'not like other girls' trend, I started to hide this side of me. Girly girls were the mean girls in movies, and things like dolls, dresses, makeup, and the color pink were looked at as 'anti-feminist.' I felt like I was a bad feminist for liking these things, but I wasn't happy hiding who I was. Watching Legally Blonde showed me that women can be traditionally feminine but also role models. Women do not all fit into one specific box, and feminism is about accepting women for who they are and giving them the freedom to make their own choices."
16."Gosh, I realized it when I read this article! I suppose I've known it for a long time, but I didn't know what to call it. For starters, I completely freeze up and get intimidated by skinny blonde women. I assume they're stuck-up and mean because I'm jealous that they're so pretty. But they usually end up being great people!"
—Anonymous, 32, Minnesota
17."Growing up, I was 'not like other girls.' It took until university to realize and start addressing that damage. I grew up in a mid-sized country town and went to small schools, where I was one of the smartest students and OK at sports. I was never into makeup and clothes. This was in the mid-'00s, when girls were explicitly taught to hate each other to get male approval. I thought this made me special and interesting, and I was arrogant about it, too. To try to be 'not like other girls' — and as a product of the times — I was also racist and anti-gay. When I went to university, there were girls who were not only smarter and more athletic than I was, but also nicer, better dressed, with cooler jobs, and more interesting hobbies. I met queer people, people of color, and people from different class backgrounds. My world expanded in a way I didn't even know was possible. It was very humbling to realize that I was not special."
"After a few years of working on this, I realized that all girls are so different and wonderful in their own ways. Not to mention, none of that needs to revolve around getting male approval or trying to be 'one of the boys.' Now, I'm happy to say that I'm liberated from thinking I'm special in any way and from the crushing need for male approval. I'm also proud to say that I'm like every other girl.
I'm like every other girl, and they have shaped me in ways I'm so grateful for. I love that all the women I cherish are so different and such beautiful souls in their own ways. I love connecting with girls in clubs, on the street, on the train, online, or at work about shared experiences and knowledge. Liberating yourself from the mind games of the patriarchy is great, and I encourage everyone to give it a try.
Also, due to the climate we are in, I want to explicitly state that I include trans women and other femmes in this. Queer people have given so much to the battle against misogyny, and we are blessed to have them."
—Anonymous, 32, New York
18."I was listening to 'Love Story' the other day, and right when Taylor references The Scarlet Letter, I said something bad. I like Taylor, but that part always irked me because it was always my personal opinion that a book about puritanical ostracism should not be lightly tossed into a love song. I muttered under my breath, 'I did not know you could read.' At first, I tried to justify it by saying I was quoting Draco Malfoy, but it dawned on me how awful I had been to quote a fictional bigot written by an actual bigot. I had no excuse. Taylor, if you see this, I am so sorry."
19."When I realized that I thanked him for doing normal household chores."
—Anonymous, 51, New York
20."I was 8 or 9 before I stopped thinking that 'woman' was a bad word. I had only ever heard it whispered like an F-bomb in my family."
—Anonymous, 47, California
21."For a while, I would vote for middle-of-the-road Republicans. But about 15 years ago, when they started gutting abortion laws at the state level, I realized that the Republican Party was never going to treat women as fully-formed human beings capable of making their own decisions, especially surrounding healthcare. Now, I vote against them every chance I get!"
22."I am a plus-size woman; my mother had criticized my weight my entire life. As someone with massive body dysmorphia and shame around my size, I'd expect myself to have a natural inclination toward body positivity. I'm so sad to say that when I see women larger than myself or less attractive, there's a split second where I think I'm better than them and feel an impulse to put them down or exclude them. I correct myself every time and never act on it. I'm so embarrassed that I even have the impulse to judge other women based on looks or attempt to abuse them in the way I have been abused. I have been thin in certain parts of my life. It is, unfortunately, a very true reality that 'attractive' women are treated so much better in our society. When I'm thin, people trip over themselves to help me out or be my friend. Somehow that makes it even worse; I know how hard the world is for a plus-size woman, so why do I need to remind myself to uplift us?"
—Anonymous, 32, Washington
23."I used to look down on poor women who started having babies at 15 years old instead of staying in school and learning how to support themselves."
—Anonymous, 68, Alabama
24."Turning 30 made me look back on all the times I felt terrible if I was not pleasing to look at. A couple of children made me a little plump in places. I was not thin enough, though I really needed the nutrition. My makeup had to be perfect, my clothes pleasing to the eye. Turning 40 was the beginning of not caring. Turning 50 was freedom from any of it."
—Anonymous, 53, Texas
25."When I was younger, I was always proud to tell people (guys, mainly) that I did not like Taylor Swift. (Never mind that I would secretly enjoy her songs on the radio.) I'd say I hated pink, dresses, etc. Once, my friends were trying to get me to put on makeup, and I would not do it because I wanted to 'impress' the guys in the room. All of that was unconsciously thinking of femininity as somehow bad or worse than masculinity. I'm trying to work through it now, and for the record, I like pink, dresses, Taylor Swift, and makeup. Not every woman does, obviously, but I figured out the difference between simply disliking those things and pretending to because I felt ashamed of liking 'girly stuff.'"
26."For me, it was when I was looking back at old writing I did as a teenager (I'm an author and freelance writer). I saw that in my stories, girls who liked sex or had multiple partners were called 'sluts,' 'whores,' etc. I was writing this when I was a 16- or 17-year-old virgin. Where did I learn that? Thankfully, I definitely do not think like that anymore — having unlearned it in my early 20s — but it was shocking to see how teenage me thought about other women. Also, there was a lot of discussion about weight, 'looking fat,' 'being flabby,' etc. — again, something teenage me was clearly hung up on. This one has definitely been harder to shake as the Western world is obsessed with thinness, but it's definitely not as bad as it used to be!"
—Anonymous, 31, United Kingdom
27."One, I realized that I automatically assumed women were uninteresting if their clothing was not obviously flattering. Two, I thought female artists (in my field) were choosing their notably inferior art style, instead of realizing that misogyny was rampant in the industry, and that proficient male artists were all but encouraged to gatekeep advanced techniques from women. If you were a woman accepted by men, you got to be 'good like a guy.' Absolutely worthless compliment."
—Anonymous, 43, Texas
