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‘If you’ve cheated on your spouse and they don’t know — don’t tell them.’
This is the controversial take from TikToker @FashionablyDivorced, a content creator who argues that keeping infidelity a secret is far kinder than being truthful.
‘By letting them know, you’re making them carry the burden of what you’ve done,’ she continues. ‘It has the potential to completely destroy their psyche.’
While reactions online were mixed, s many appeared in favour of this ideology, with one user, @clint, writing: ‘If you really love your partner, never tell.’
For many, the golden rule is ‘honesty is the best policy’ — unless you’re a Love Island boy walking back from Casa Amor — but when it comes to infidelity, is spilling your guts always the best thing to do?
Relationship therapist Dr Madeleine Roantree shares there’s not a right or wrong way to approach this, instead suggesting people ask themselves one important question, before deciding whether to spill:
Is this my information to share, or theirs to have?
Madeleine says: ‘Everyone agrees deception is bad in the abstract.
‘What we disagree on is whether omission of a resolved, non-recurring event counts as deception at all.’
Why some people believe it’s better not to confess
Madeleine explains that for some people, the case for keeping things hidden is usually ‘consequentialist.’
‘If the affair was a one-off, is over, and the disclosure’s only function is to transfer guilt rather than change anything going forward, some argue the harm of telling can outweigh the harm of not telling.’
Other examples can include things like keeping quiet about friends you don’t like or concealing hurtful comments made by family members.
Madeleine continues: ‘Depending on someone’s value system, they may resolve this issue on their own and see it as their own learning.’
Of course, a lot of people online don’t see it this way.
The office stationery thought experiment
To try and help people visualise what she means, Madeleine suggests imagining a scenario where you took some office stationery, regretted it, and committed to never do that again.
‘You can feel bad about it and decide in the grand scheme of things it’s not worth bringing up,’ she explains.
For some, the same logic applies to cheating.
For example, if someone cheated on one occasion, regretted it, and was committed to never do it again, one might argue that confessing the transgression only transfers the guilt onto their partner without improving the future.
Commenting underneath @FashionablyDivorced’s post, one user wrote: ‘I totally disagree. I was cheated on in the past, and was gaslit. There is a pretty good chance it will come to light eventually. The longer you go without confessing, the more damage it causes.’
@pocketrocket29 added: ‘You’re wrong about this. You should tell them the truth and give them the option on fixing or leaving the relationship.’
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Madeleine appreciates this perspective, sharing: ‘There’s the argument that your partner can’t make informed choices about their own life without accurate information.
‘Choosing silence to preserve a relationship that couldn’t survive the truth means the remaining relationship is being sustained by a lie and the partner is consenting to a partnership that doesn’t actually exist as they understand it.
‘Withholding the affair, even “for their own good,” takes that choice away from them on their behalf.’
When’s the right time to confess?
There’s never a good time to tell your partner you’ve cheated, but Madeleine notes that giving yourself time to process your thoughts before deciding what to do is totally reasonable.
‘People are allowed to think before they act.
‘You don’t want to minimise the devastating effect infidelity can have on someone, but equally we need to remember we are all capable of doing ‘bad things’ and try not to character assassinate yourself as being inherently a bad person.’
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