These common phrases are quietly teaching kids how to be passive aggressive

As the parent of a 13-year-old, I’ve learned many lessons by making mistakes along the way. Chief among them is the reality that the language and phrases we use around our children matter deeply. 

It’s something I’ve always understood. But it didn’t sink in with such obvious immediacy until my son reached adolescence and daily interactions have become somewhat more fraught or challenging.

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All the hallmarks of being a teenager have arrived in our home: the grumpy attitude, the disrespect, the mood swings. It’s new territory for me as a mom, and I don’t always select the right responses in the midst of difficult moments. 

But what has become apparent is that some of the statements I’ve turned to during this chapter in life are teaching my son to be passive-aggressive. My go-to phrases during moments of frustration or anger include: “You’ll do what you want anyway,” “never mind,” (when I really do mind) or “I’ll just do it myself” (when what I actually mean is I’m really angry that I have to do something myself after I asked my son to do it five times). 

Parents, raise your hand if you can relate. The thing is, each of these phrases (and many others) teach children to be passive-aggressive, which is not ideal. Parenting and relationship experts say children learn passive aggression when the adults around them repeatedly say one thing while clearly communicating or meaning another.

“Being passive aggressive is a cover for emotional honesty. Children require adults to show them that they can be both kind and direct,” Matt Grammer, a mental health and continuing education expert withTherapy Trainings, told HuffPost.

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Read on to learn more about phrases that teach children to be passive-aggressive, as well as what you can say that is more productive.

“Fine. Do whatever you want.”

This phrase is universal parenting code for “I’m really angry that you’re going to do that.” It’s a statement that does not convey our real feelings, and as a result, can be a disservice to children.

“This usually means the exact opposite of what the words say,” Brook McKenzie, a licensed counselor and author of the book “You’re Waiting on You,” told HuffPost. “The child learns that honest disagreement is unsafe or unacceptable, so frustration should be communicated indirectly and the other person should be expected to figure it out.”

Instead of resorting to “fine” in moments of frustration, McKenzie recommends opting for “I disagree with your choice, and I want to tell you why.”

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“If you say yes with your words and no with your behavior, you’re teaching your child that communication is a guessing game,” McKenzie said.

“After everything I did today…” 

Another one of my personal favorites as a busy single mother, this phrase teaches kids to use “obligation and guilt to get compliance,” explained Jordyn Koveleski Gorman, a child development expert, mother and founder ofEat Play Say, an online resource hub about childhood development for parents.

Rather than resorting to the guilt approach, parents should instead ask directly for what they want or explain how they feel, explained Koveleski Gorman. Or you might opt for a different approach entirely, saying something like “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, and I’d love some help.”

“Same need, but stated straight,” said Koveleski Gorman. “It also teaches them not to blame others when things are going sideways, and to see that there is always help available, but the most important thing to do is ask directly.”

“Oh, well, I’m just a bad [mom or dad].” 

When our children come to us to discuss something we did as parents that hurt their feelings or wasn’t helpful, a parent’s first instinct may be to deflect and chalk it up to simply being a bad parent. That response, however, is less than productive.

“That’s not clear and creates a shift for the child to have to empathise with the parent and moves away from what the kid wanted to address in the first place,” explainedLaurie Wilson, co-founder of Rize Counseling.

A more useful approach might include saying something like: “I hear that you are saying you didn’t like when I ....”

“It’s important to listen when your child has something to say about your behavior,” explained Wilson. “They watch and mimic what we do. The same is true for communication. Try to listen and provide empathy. Try not to get defensive or catastrophize, because that shifts away from your kids’ needs.”

“You know what you did.” 

An age-old phrase used by upset parents far and wide, this statement does little to help resolve a situation. What’s more, the child usually doesn’t know exactly what they did, explained Lynn Zakeri, who specializes in psychotherapy from adolescence through adulthood.

“This teaches children that healthy relationships require mind-reading instead of communication. And paranoia,” said Zakeri.

Similarly, saying “I shouldn’t have to tell you,” to your children when you’re  frustrated may sound reasonable to you as the parent. Still, it teaches kids that asking directly is somehow less loving than anticipating someone else’s needs.

A more effective statement for parents to use could be “Can I tell you what upset me and why? I don’t want you to have to guess.”

“If you really loved me, you would...”

Let’s all say it together, shall we? Just yuck to this statement, which turns love into leverage. 

“Kids learn that affection has to be earned through compliance and to ‘go along to get along’ instead of it being built through honesty,” Zakeri explained.

Rather than the guilt trip approach, Zakeri suggests using a phrase like: “This is important to me, and here’s why. Can I tell you what I need?”

The ice-out.

I’ll admit, this is an approach I’m all too guilty of as a parent. When my son has done something that truly upsets or angers me, I often resort to not speaking to him for a few hours. My thinking has always been that silence conveys how deeply upset I am. Or that he has crossed a line and has made me so angry, I can’t even talk to him.

But as Zakeri explained, this is yet another approach that can have a negative impact, one your child may carry into adulthood.

“Kids raised on silence often become adults who either do it themselves or assume silence always means they’ve done something wrong,” Zakeri said. “It’s a controlling way of communicating.”

Rather than resorting to silence as a parent, you might instead try saying: “I’m upset/angry/frustrated/annoyed/stressed. I’m figuring out why. And need some time to get my thoughts together so they are fair. Let’s talk after dinner.”  

The ice-out is one of many ways passive aggression is communicated without words, Zakeri said. Tone of voice, heavy sighs, avoiding eye contact, turning away, crossed arms and walking out of the room all send a message while avoiding an honest conversation. 

“Instead, soften your face, make gentle eye contact, keep an open posture, sit down instead of towering over them, uncross your arms, face them, slow your breathing, and let your tone match your message,” Zakeri advised. “Children learn just as much from our body language as they do from the words we choose.”