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Being the parent of a teenager is one of the most challenging roles I’ve ever had. But in my moments of parental frustration, I remind myself that being a teenager is also an extremely difficult chapter of life — a time marked by peer pressure, bullying, social anxiety, awkwardness and acne (ugh). And I grew up during the 1980s, when the toxic impact of social media wasn’t even a thing.
Teenagers have a lot to contend with, and experts say many of the challenges they face can significantly harm their happiness and well-being.
“Adolescence is a developmental period in which young people are trying to answer the question, ‘Who am I?’”Michael Wetter, founder and owner of Wetter Psychological Services, told HuffPost. “A bad grade, a social rejection, a breakup, or not getting into a desired school can feel less like disappointment and more like proof that something is wrong with them. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, perfectionism, shame, avoidance, depression and chronic self-criticism.”
Bad grades, breakups and social rejection are merely a few of the triggers that can potentially cause happiness to plummet. Read on to learn more about some of the things that mental health professionals say can be harmful to a teenager’s happiness —and ways to help your teen navigate such challenges.
Dependence On External Validation
Tying self-worth to external validation is a common tendency among teenagers (and among adults too, for that matter). And it can be extremely detrimental to well-being, Aida Shahnazarian, primary therapist withTeen Tree, a practice that provides mental health treatment for adolescents, told HuffPost.
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“One of the biggest things that can harm a teen’s happiness is feeling like their worth depends on other people’s approval,” Shahnazarian said. “Teens are constantly receiving messages about who they should be, how they should look and what they should be accomplishing.”
Making matters worse, that pressure can come from all angles: social media, school, peers, sports, family expectations and, yes, even well-meaning parents.
“It becomes especially harmful when teens start to believe they are only worthy if they are getting good grades, looking a certain way, being included socially, excelling at something, or making other people proud,” added Shahnazarian. “When a teen’s sense of self is built around external validation, their happiness can feel very unstable.”
Parents and other adults can help teens combat this by being especially intentional about what they praise in teens. Instead of only focusing on achievement or outcomes, notice qualities in a teen such as kindness, courage, honesty, effort, curiosity and resilience, said Shahnazarian.
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Prolonged Negative Thought Patterns
Jerry Weichman, a clinical psychologist, adolescent mental health specialist and author of the teen survival guide “How To Deal,” said the No. 1 culprit that robs teens of happiness is negativity.
“What I commonly see is kids pick up negativity as a habit somewhere in middle school. It begins with looking at one thing or person they don’t like, and then the negativity starts to spill out into the other aspects of their life,” explained Weichman.
A prolonged habit of negativity can trigger low self-esteem, added Weichman, who’s treated more than 7,000 preteens and teens over the past 27 years. When teens routinely look at everything negatively and then view themselves through that same lens, their self-esteem plummets while their anxiety spikes.
“If we focus on the negatives, which is what I call ‘**** goggles,’ this is all that we take into ourselves and then [it becomes] what we feel,” Weichman said.
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One way to help teens counteract this outlook is by redirecting them to focus on the fact that there are positives in every person and in every situation. “There might be 10 negatives and only 1 or 2 positives, but that’s irrelevant. If we can identify and hold on to the 1 or 2 positives, it has a profound effect on how we feel,” said Weichman.
Emotional Invalidation
Another potential threat to a teen’s sense of happiness is routine invalidation of their emotions.
Nicholette Leanza, a therapist atLifeStance Health, a provider of outpatient mental health, says a consistent family dynamic of being dismissive, minimizing or criticizing a teen’s emotions, rather than acknowledging those feelings and trying to understand them, is one of the most harmful things she’s witnessed as a professional.
“For example, a teen may be really upset about a breakup and are told things like, ‘You’ll get over it,’ or ‘You weren’t together long, so you have nothing to be sad about,’” Leanza explained. “This dismissal and judgment of their feelings can give a teen the message that they are wrong to feel sad even though they are deeply hurt.”
Another example is if the teen doesn’t want to do a particular thing and is told: “It doesn’t matter what you think, you’ll do what I say.”
Adolescence is the time when teens are trying to figure out who they are and what matters to them. When parents repeatedly ignore or judge a teen’s emotions, the teen may begin to doubt themselves and feel like they don’t know who they are. Under such circumstances, the teen may also have a hard time identifying and trusting their own emotions. “This significantly affects their self-esteem because they’re internalizing the negative messages they’re being told,” said Leanza.
Rather than being dismissive of a teen’s emotions, parents should try to validate their teen’s feelings, even if, as a parent, you happen to disagree with the teen’s particular behavior or reaction. Validating feelings does not mean you agree. Rather, it means communicating with your teen differently.
“This could include using statements like ‘I can understand why you feel that way,’” said Leanza. “The subtle shift to understanding a teen makes all the difference for a teen to feel valued, heard and loved.”
‘Fixed’ Limited Beliefs
Raise your hand if you’ve heard your teen say something similar to: “I’m just not athletic,” or “I’ll never pass algebra.”
These types of thoughts are part of a “fixed mindset,” said Andrew Levey, LMSW, a therapist withLightLine Therapywho specializes in working with teens. And they can be very harmful to a teen’s long-term happiness because a fixed mindset is based on the idea that abilities are static and cannot be developed or improved over time.
“This mindset makes challenges feel permanent rather than temporary,” Levey explained. “Rather than seeing failure as a necessary part of learning, teens with a fixed mindset may believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. A fixed mindset can damage teens’ self-esteem, reduce resiliency and make them less willing to try new things because they expect failure.”
A fixed mindset can also reinforce anxiety or depression. When teens believe they can’t change, difficult emotions can start to feel permanent rather than something that can be worked through.
One way to combat a fixed mindset is to harness the power of the word “yet,” said Levey. Adding the word “yet” to statements or ideas can help teens adopt a growth mindset and turn difficulties into learning moments.
“Adding ‘yet’ reminds teens that ability develops through practice rather than being something they’re born with,” explained Levey. “Adolescence is a time for experimenting, learning and becoming more independent, so it’s unrealistic to expect teens to perform at their best all the time.”
Parents can help teens navigate static feelings by reminding them that happiness doesn’t come from getting everything right the first time. And failures do not define who a teen is or, more importantly, who they will become.
Too Much Comparison
No matter the age, comparing oneself to others seems nearly inevitable, particularly amid the proliferation of social media. But during the formative and fragile teenage years, this bad habit can be especially harmful.
“Many teens can start to believe they’re good enough only if they look, perform or achieve like everyone else,” said Fatema Harianawala, a licensed professional counselor withKey Counseling Group, who specializes in children’s mental health, parenting, trauma, anxiety, family relationships and life transitions. “The constant comparison can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression and fear of failure.”
The best way to combat this is by helping teens build a strong sense of self-worth that comes from within, added Harianawala. Parents can help with this by encouraging open conversations, praising effort rather than perfection, limiting unhealthy social media comparisons and reminding teens that everyone’s journey is different.
By doing these things, parents can help teens build healthy self-esteem, confidence and resilience.
“When teens feel heard, accepted and supported at home, they are much more likely to develop a strong sense of self-worth,” Harianawala said. “They learn they are valued for who they are, not just for what they achieve, which helps them build healthier relationships, make better decisions and face life’s challenges with greater confidence.”
