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Loving a celebrity from afar is more normal than you think.
Key Takeaways
- Parasocial relationships are one-sided bonds we form with celebrities or public figures—we feel close to them, but they don’t know us, and there’s no reciprocity.
- These relationships often run deepest for people who feel isolated or unseen, offering connection and comfort without the vulnerability required by real-life relationships.
- As we grow, it’s natural for parasocial relationships to evolve; experts say the key is noticing whether the relationship still serves you, or if it’s replacing connections that could support you back.
I’ve been obsessed with Taylor Swift since I was eleven years old. Her music defined my preteen and teenage years—she serenaded me on the drive to school every morning, comforted me through heartbreaks, and eventually released me into adulthood with the promise that life gets better. In many ways, she felt like my older and wiser sister who understood the complexities of girlhood in a way no one else could. Loving her also introduced me to some of my closest friends, who are just as dear to me now as they were the first time we bonded over our favorite songs. And if I’m honest, we all felt like she was our friend, too.
“When someone finds a celebrity whose story or words mirror exactly how they feel, that connection is real, even if the relationship itself is not,” explains Michele Y. Smith, CEO of the Museum of Pop Culture. “I think it tends to run deepest for people who feel unseen in their day-to-day lives, whether that’s due to a lack of community or just the very human need to feel like someone out there gets it. Pop culture has always filled that gap for people, and that’s a big part of what makes it so powerful.”
When you’re young, every emotion feels like a catastrophe that no adult could possibly understand. And when those emotions are compounded by growing pains—moving to a new town, sitting at an empty lunch table, trying to make new friends—a parasocial relationship can feel like an essential lifeline. We asked mental health and pop culture experts to break down what parasocial relationships are, how they form, what they reveal about us, and when it might be time to let go.
What Are Parasocial Relationships, Exactly?
“Parasocial relationships are relationships we form with celebrities or people who are well-known and have a public persona,” explains Saba H. Lurie, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy. “These relationships are one-sided, as we may feel close to and care about the other individual, but they don’t know us, and there’s no reciprocity. While they have likely been prevalent for ages (think: our relationship to royalty and even to early political figures), they have definitely taken off with the digital age.”
The 2010s were a prime example of how parasocial relationships can manifest: camping outside a concert venue for 12 hours for a chance to see your favorite artist, covering your bedroom wall with boy band posters, even creating Instagram fan accounts that required you to stay up-to-date with those public figures 24/7. As social media became more prevalent, so did access to celebrities in a way that had never been available before. “In this current world, where we are constantly consuming media through our televisions, computers, and phones, listening to podcasts when we are commuting, etc., we can spend the majority of our days with people we don’t know personally, yet know so much about and feel intimately close to,” Lurie says.
Why Do We Form Parasocial Relationships?
Loneliness, especially as a kid, can be extremely debilitating. Kids in school are often isolated by their peers when they’re in any way different from the pack, and when that happens, they look for something—or someone—to provide relief. “With parasocial relationships, we don’t have to be vulnerable or share anything about ourselves, and yet we can feel entertained, concerned, and seemingly connected,” Lurie explains. “Parasocial relationships likely most affect those who are already feeling isolated, like teens who are withdrawn or older adults who have recently retired. Anyone whose in-person connections have thinned out for whatever reason is more likely to fill that gap with a relationship that feels safe because it asks nothing of them in return and is available whenever they need it.”
Moreover, the transparency we now have into celebrity culture has made parasocial relationships feel more real than ever—even if they’re not. “This invasive point of view gives us a level of comfort and trust in these figures,” says Benjamin Morse, digital media expert and lecturer at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. “Their curated but seemingly genuine images create a sympathetic relationship. The dangers are both that the personality constructed is false, and regardless, it’s a one-way relationship. Disenfranchised, lonely people, particularly teenagers, will lean on these one-way relationships because there’s a lower risk of rejection.”
It also begs the question of whether some celebrities entertain these relationships because it benefits them in some way. Swift, for example, has always had a blurred relationship with fans that often made her feel like a close friend: From hosting “secret sessions” at her various homes, where she’d hand-pick fans to hear her upcoming album before its release, to giving them advice online, Swift was more than a pop star. She was an outsider, just like us. “It is hard to know conclusively if celebrities are sincere when they entertain these parasocial relationships, but it’s also important to remember the celebrities are people too, and are also wired to connect, to want to be known and to be seen,” Lurie adds. At the time, there might have been more sincerity to Swift’s behavior than we give her credit for—but as her career and actions have changed, so has the need for a hard boundary between her and her fans.
When It’s Time to Move on From a Parasocial Relationship
As we get older, our parasocial relationships will naturally change—and likely settle into a more controlled admiration. But if you’re struggling to let go of yours, our experts have some helpful advice. “The first step in detaching emotionally from a parasocial relationship is to notice the relationship and question whether it’s serving you,” Lurie says. “If you find that you are investing heavily in a relationship that isn’t offering you the support you need but is costing you time and energy, you may decide that this is something you want to address.”
But if you’re not experiencing any negative side effects from these relationships, both Lurie and Morse agree that there’s no inherent harm in continuing to engage with public figures. “[Parasocial relationships] can be a low-stakes way to feel connected, entertained, or even inspired. But they can become a problem when they start to replace connections you could be building with people who can support you and know you back,” Lurie says. “Remembering that public figures are people with their own struggles and privileges can help create some of that distance. It’s less about writing someone off and more about seeing the relationship for what it is.”
For Smith, this connection can also spark curiosity about how celebrity relationships mirror our own. “Pop culture has always been a mirror. The celebrities we elevate, and the relationships we build with them, say as much about us as they do about the people we’re watching,” she says. “Rather than dismissing these connections as shallow, I would invite people to get a little curious about them. What does the bond you feel tell you about what we as a society are looking for? And where else in life might we find it?” As for me, I’ll likely still be finding comfort in Swift’s music for decades to come—just with a little more perspective.
Read the original article on Real Simple
