If you do these 3 things, you have self-discipline, according to a psychology PhD

How can you tell if you have self-discipline? We all know people who work out at 5 a.m., eat only healthy food, and floss after every meal. And other people who sleep until the afternoon, chomp on untoasted Pop-Tarts, and then head out to have fun with their friends.

If you measure your own self-discipline on this spectrum, you may be on the wrong track. That insight comes from Alice Boyes, a PhD in psychology and the author of Stress-Free Productivity (Penguin Random House, 2022). In an insightful newsletter piece, Boyes describes five signs that signal you have true self-discipline. All five make sense. They all align with what research tells us about how to best care for our own brain health. But these three seem especially relevant to me:

1. You have long-term friendships.

As Boyes notes, maintaining relationships over time takes some self-discipline. To keep friends in your life over years or decades, you need to maintain contact and keep commitments. And you need to let your friends know that you care about them over time.

This observation from Boyes made me think of a friend of mine who lives 3,000 miles away. He makes sure that we get together by Zoom on a regular basis. When I’m visiting family in his region, he makes the effort to travel by train or car for several hours just so we can spend an afternoon together. This kind of thing is why we’ve been close friends since we were both 11.

That’s an unusually long time, but if you don’t have long-term friendships in your life, it’s smart to ask yourself why not. And try to do something about it. Research consistently shows that the quality of our communities and our relationships influences our mental health and even our longevity.

2. You’ve maintained a healthy habit for years.

As Boyes writes, there’s a subtle but important distinction between being able to stick with a habit and having self-discipline. Truly self-disciplined people are able to stick with a healthy practice over the long term because it becomes part of who they are and their normal way of being in the world.

It could be anything from a few minutes of daily meditation, to taking a walk for half an hour every day after work, to starting every day with the same health-conscious breakfast. Whatever it is, if you’ve kept it up for more than a year, that says something about your self-discipline abilities.

3. You plan for the things you want to do.

I found this idea especially intriguing, and especially smart. Self-discipline isn’t just a matter of doing the things we know are good for our careers or for our physical health. It’s just as important to make sure we do the things that are important for our souls. And to plan for the kinds of memorable experiences we know will enrich our lives.

Toward the end of the pandemic, I looked on the website of a hot spring in the woods on Washington’s Olympic Peninsula, and saw that it was booked through almost the entire season. But there were a few openings left in the fall, and although that was four months away, I booked one. I invited a friend who also loves soaking in hot water, and we had such a great time it’s turned into an annual trip.

If you can plan way in advance for the things you really want to do, that not only shows self-discipline, it shows self-care. It means you have enough respect for your own desires and preferences that you take the time and trouble to make your own wishes come true.

There’s a growing audience of Inc.com readers who receive a daily text from me with a self-care or motivational micro-challenge or tip. Often, they text me back and we wind up in a conversation. (Want to know more? Here’s some information about the texts and a special invitation to a two-month free trial.) Many in my text community are entrepreneurs or business leaders who know they need self-discipline to help their companies succeed. If you can do these three things, chances are you have that kind of self-discipline, too.

—By Minda Zetlin

This article originally appeared on Fast Company’s sister website, Inc.com. 

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