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DEAR ABBY: I have grown children, grandchildren and a great-grandchild. I don’t know if they think I am senile, but they seem to think I must cater to their every whim. Most of them are self-centered, thinking only of themselves. They borrow money from me, and sometimes I let them know it is a loan. Other times I give it to them and tell them that it is a gift. Loans are to be paid back. When it’s given to you, it’s yours.
One daughter, “Marie,” borrowed a large sum of money and agreed to repay it in installments. She paid me back a portion of the money I had loaned her. When the next installment was due, she claimed her first payment was three times more than it had been. When I called her on it, she insisted she had given the higher amount.
I love all my family, but I don’t intend for anyone to play me. Marie has given me no further payments, and the borrowing has stopped. When Marie tried to get in my face and talk down to me, my wife of 30 years let her know she wasn’t to talk to me that way.
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Since then, Marie has stopped speaking to us and has accused my wife of blocking her email, calls and texts. (That did not happen; I blocked them.) I just cannot see how a grown child could treat her parents the way we have been treated. I am deeply hurt, and I cannot seem to get past it. Your thoughts? — OLD MAN IN THE MOUNTAINS
DEAR OLD MAN: Your hurt is understandable. Not only is your self-entitled daughter a deadbeat, but she’s also disrespectful. You treated her with kindness, and not only did she not repay the money you loaned her, but she attacked you verbally. I hope your other offspring have more character. That said, I don’t think blocking Marie’s ability to contact you was a wise decision. She may wish to apologize in the future, and you have been preventing that possibility.
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 10 years has asked for a separation. She is set on divorce. She feels that, during the last four years since we had kids (2 and 4 years old), I have “chipped away at her self-esteem and self-worth.”
During the past two months since our initial conversation, I have started seeing a therapist, gone on antidepressants and joined an empathy group session for men. I now see the hurt and pain I caused due to my untreated depression and negative self-image, and I have committed to change and save our marriage.
I stood by her and supported her through a major depression episode a year ago, and now she wants out. I am still in love with her, but she says that while she’ll always love me, she is no longer in love with me. I’m working on giving her space to heal. What else can I do? — DISAPPOINTED HUSBAND IN MAINE
DEAR HUSBAND: Ask your wife if she would agree to couples counseling with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Remind her that there are children involved, and even if the counseling isn’t successful in healing your marriage, it could benefit all of you in the divorce process and beyond. Whether it will result in you and your wife reuniting is anyone’s guess, but it may improve your relationship later.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
