Another 5 'bad' cars I want anyway

At this point, now 15 cars and three installments into this exercise in aspirational automotive masochism, it might seem like cars with bad reputations are my real passion. That’s not strictly true, but my interest in the unfortunate certainly runs deep and it is beyond redemption, as these next five picks clearly attest:

2005–08 Jaguar X-Type Sportwagon

What it is: The X-type was Jaguar’s first real attempt to field a competitor to the BMW 3-Series in the lucrative, European compact near-luxury sedan segment. Ford, Jaguar’s then-patron, unfortunately didn’t learn from GM’s mistakes with the Cadillac Cimarron in the 1980s. What the Blue Oval served up was essentially a warmed-over Ford Mondeo. And instead of following BMW’s lead by offering the X-Type in sedan, coupe and convertible body styles, which the market wanted at the time, Jaguar inexplicably gave buyers the choice of just sedan or wagon. While the sedan is a bit frumpy, the 3.0-liter V-6 long-roof or “Sportwagon” is genuinely quite handsome. And genuinely rare, with most sources quoting under 4500 total built and about 1600 sent here to the U.S.

What makes it bad: The X-type simply wasn’t convincing as a Jaguar. Its Ford Mondeo-ness oozed out of every crevice and not even real walnut veneer and nice leather could compensate for the Ford parts bin bits that were everywhere. Cooling system and electrical issues, plus fragile AWD transfer cases soured the car’s reputation and it was simply never an aspirational car for younger buyers in the way that a 3-Series was.

Why I want one: This is simple. I love rare, oddball cars, especially when they’re wagons. When those things intersect in the Venn diagram of not-great cars, well, good luck keeping me off Facebook Marketplace. The wagon really is attractive. Especially in a dark color, and minus the leaper on the hood, it’s a real looker. Sadly, while the sedan was offered in the U.S. with a manual, the wagon wasn’t. No matter, I know where there’s a clean-looking wagon and a t-boned manual sedan, and you know where I’m going from there—the stick shift, Joe Dirt shooting brake of my dreams.

2006–07 Chevrolet Malibu Maxx SS

What it is: The Malibu Maxx is one of the weirdest GM midsize sedans ever. Not quite a wagon, and therefore sort of a hatchback, the car managed to combine the two body styles most heartily disliked by the American car buyers of the early 2000s. Still, it was practical, and not at all bad to drive in SS trim with its 3.9-liter LZ9 V-6 that made about 240 horsepower, 18” wheels, and firmer suspension.

What makes it bad: The sixth-generation Malibu was about a decade behind nearly everyone else in terms of fit, finish, and materials. The interior plastics and switchgear in particular were low points. Frankly, the car is also just plain weird, and “weird” rarely translates to success in the new car market.

Why I want one: As maybe the last truly weird GM car ever, the Malibu Maxx SS is actually an historically significant car. Maybe it’s not Corvair– or SSR-level strange, but it’s an iconoclast’s automobile to be sure. Just 2600 were built and while I have no idea how many survive, I can’t remember the last time I saw one in the wild. There are none that I can find currently for sale, but when one does pop up, it probably won’t be pricey.

2004–06 Volkswagen Phaeton

What it is: The Phaeton was VW’s attempt to produce an ultra-luxury executive sedan to compete with BMW and Mercedes-Benz. It was the most visible manifestation of VW Group chair Ferdinand Piëch’s most active phase in trying to take Volkswagen upmarket. With either a 4.2-liter V-8 or 6.0-liter W-12 to choose from, the Phaeton shared a fair bit with the Bentley Continental GT and Flying Spur… including their knee-capping maintenance costs.

What makes it bad: The Germans have a reputation for over-engineering, and the Phaeton was certainly the King Tiger tank of VWs. But instead of breaking down in far off places like the Ardennes Forest, the Phaeton would be perfectly happy to break something in a driveway near you. Particularly in W-12 form, the car quickly gained a reputation for being absolute hell to work on. Partial disassembly was routine for even the simplest jobs in the engine compartment. When warranties expired, depreciation was vicious.

Why I want one: From the minute it was announced, I was utterly fascinated by the VW Group’s new W-12 engine, and while I find a Bentley way too pretentious for my preferences, a W-12-powered VW sedan that sold for the equivalent of about $160,000 in today’s money? Sign me up. At the prices they’re selling for now, (under 10 grand for one with some miles, or mid-teens for a really clean one), I can get the whole W-12 thing out of my system once and for all without posing an immediate Chapter 7 risk. There’s even a guy out there who makes very cool coffee tables out of dead W-12 blocks. So, there’s that for a plan B, I suppose.

1991–92 Lotus Elan M100

What it was: By the early 1990s, a large chunk of Lotus’ model range (namely, the Eclat/Excel) had run its course, and the company was left with only the aging Esprit to flog. Lotus desperately needed an entry-level car, and it fielded one with some help from GM, its corporate parent at the time. Peter Stevens, who did the first facelift of the Esprit, designed a car that Richard Hammond of Top Gear remarked was oddly square, seemingly as wide as it was long. But for driving purists, the real heresy came from the fact that this Lotus was front-wheel drive.

What makes it bad: Although the Elan M100 was true to the Lotus ethos in that it was relatively lightweight, and it utilized a fiberglass body over a backbone chassis, testers couldn’t get over its FWD architecture, even though the handling was peerless (albeit too docile to some). Mate the odd looks to a somewhat anemic Isuzu four-cylinder and the usual Lotus idiosyncrasies, and you have a car that gets very little love beyond the few thousand owners who do reportedly adore their cars. Then there’s the fact that, at the same time, Mazda debuted the original MX-5 Miata. Ironically, the Japanese borrowed a lot of the Miata’s design philosophy from the original 1960s Lotus Elan, and unlike the “new” Elan M100, the more conventional Mazda became a massive success.

Why I want one: It goes without saying that the M100 Elan is cheap. They rarely break $20,000, and they really are entertaining to drive and strikingly weird to look at, all while being somewhat less of a headache than a Lotus of the 1970s. A ringing endorsement, no?

1971–73 Triumph Stag

What it was: The Stag was British Leyland’s attempt to field a cheaper alternative to the Mercedes-Benz 350SL. Amazingly, Triumph almost succeeded, narrowly snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. In terms of styling, the Stag had it, courtesy of Italian Giovanni Michelotti. Just like the Benz, it had a SOHC V-8 with aluminum heads. The wood-trimmed interior and removable hardtop were also very Benz-like, as was the automatic gearbox (although a four-speed with overdrive was available). Unlike the Benz, the Stag also had a pair of usable back seats.

What makes it bad: Well, it was 1970s British Leyland, and in addition to the usual dodgy electrics by Lord Voldemort, there was the engine—the slightest bit of overheating (to which the cars were naturally prone) could warp those lovely aluminum heads. And if you managed to not boil the engine, well, there was always the danger of catastrophic timing chain failure lurking around every corner. Much of this was eventually sorted out for U.K. customers, but the Stag skulked out of the U.S. market awash in claims on its paltry 12-month/12,000-mile warranty.

Why I want one: I’ve always thought the Stag was a really handsome car, especially with the hardtop in place. The 3.0-liter V-8 sounds delicious, and it’s especially nice paired with the four-speed, plus electric overdrive manual box. It’s a rare combination of Italian style, V-8 burble, a manual box, and affordability. Decent ones can be had in the teens, and really nice ones don’t stretch much past 20 grand. Unlike the newer cars on the list, it’s fairly DIY friendly, and I’m told that there are fixes for the maladies that skewered the car in the U.S. 50 year ago, or you can just do an engine swap (a similarly sized Rover V-8 is the most popular) as many Stag owners have. 

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