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That little voice inside your head? It’s so much more powerful than you think. Whether it’s hyping you up for a big presentation or dragging you down with self-doubt, your inner dialogue—let’s call it self-talk—shapes how you feel, act, and see the world. Of course, not all self-talk is created equal. Positive self-talk is your biggest cheerleader; negative self-talk is a relentless critic. The good news is that you’re in control and can harness your self-talk into a superpower. Here’s what to keep in mind.
What even is positive self-talk?
Positive self-talk is exactly what it sounds like: an internal dialogue that encourages self-compassion, confidence, and optimism. “In a lot of ways, it’s a form of mindfulness,” explains Tama Kieves, Harvard-trained attorney turned career coach and author of Learning to Trust Yourself. “It requires a certain level of self-awareness and focus.” In other words, practicing positive self-talk demands intentionality: The more self-aware you are, the more you’ll be able to recognize harmful patterns in your self-talk and consciously shift your thoughts to kindness and gratitude.
It may feel a little hokey at times, but being kind to and encouraging yourself vastly helps you cope with anxiety and has been shown to not only keep you motivated but also to help you have fun—plus it helps you build self-encouragement and resilience.
Negative self-talk, on the other hand, does the exact opposite, involving self-criticism, self-doubt, and fear. There’s a distinction in the intent as well—positive self-talk uplifts and motivates, while negative self-talk can undermine confidence and create stress, creating a positive feedback loop of negativity.
What are the signs of negative self-talk?
We won’t mince words: Negative self-talk sucks, and since our brains are hardwired for negativity, it’s easy to fall into the habit. It’s common to interpret well-meaning actions or words as having negative intentions, even if that isn’t the case (did that barista mean to give me the wrong order?). Similarly, you might feel a ton of self-doubt, feeling less capable of handling challenges or achieving your goals.
With negative self-talk, you’ll also often spend time ruminating—in other words, in a cycle of repetitive, unproductive, and often unkind thinking. While no one is actually thinking about your most embarrassing moment from fourth grade, or that one time you cried in front of a bunch of people on the train, it doesn’t matter when you’re stuck in the rumination cycle, effectively dragging stress from the past into the present. (We’ll explain how to disrupt that cycle later!)
The good news is that these patterns are not set in stone. By becoming more mindful of your internal dialogue and actively practicing positive self-talk, you can reframe your thoughts, reduce stress, and cultivate a more optimistic and empowering perspective.
How do you navigate negativity and realism?
Where is the line between being negative and being realistic? It can be challenging to differentiate the two. Kieves says it has to do largely with the tone of your inner voice. “Positive self-talk is spoken differently and has a different motivation,” she explains. “The tone is kind or neutral.” Similarly, realistic thinking may involve confronting difficult truths, but without the harsh or judgmental edge of negativity.
That negativity is actually rooted in an attempt to protect ourselves—albeit in a misguided way. The intent may be to shield you from failure or disappointment, but in doing so, it often limits your potential.
On the other hand, realism paired with positive self-talk “opens doors you can’t even imagine,” says Kieves. While being realistic acknowledges obstacles, it doesn’t exaggerate them or diminish your capacity to overcome them. Instead, it fosters a sense of balance—encouraging you to recognize your strengths and find solutions without being clouded by fear or negativity.
How do you disrupt negative self-talk?
The first step in transforming your self-talk is to become aware of your patterns. Kieves suggests a practical approach: “I physically write out my negative thoughts. I write out my fears,” she says. “And then I create a dialogue with myself.” By writing, you create a record of your inner narrative, making it easier to recognize harmful patterns that might otherwise go unnoticed.
Once you’ve identified negative thoughts, you can consciously shift your focus toward more positive and constructive thinking. Kieves also highlights something very important about the brain: “It can’t have two thoughts at the same time,” she explains. “The brain can go back and forth, but not have them at the same time. So if I’m focusing or only thinking of the positive, the negative doesn’t even come in.” By redirecting your attention to affirming and empowering thoughts, you can create a mental space that pushes negativity aside.
Another key strategy she recommends is to immerse yourself in activities that bring you joy. “One of the most important things you can do is something you love,” she emphasizes. “You’ll feel more natural, alive, and aligned—and you’ll naturally start having better self-talk.” Engaging in hobbies or passions not only boosts your sense of well-being but also fosters an environment where positive thoughts and feelings can flourish. When you’re truly connected to what brings you joy, your self-talk naturally becomes more encouraging and supportive.
