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Making new friends as an adult is hard, but what would you be willing to spend to find your people?
A few years ago, Layton Cox and his wife moved from Texas to Florida, drawn by the beaches and sunny weather. In an effort to make new friends, they decided to join a local country club. At first, it was great — they enjoyed playing rounds of golf, hitting the pickleball court, and dining in the restaurant.
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But Cox said they soon realized they wouldn't find their people at the pricey country club. For starters, most of the other members were older and owned their own business, so they didn't have much in common with Cox, who works a corporate job. There were also social and political differences that meant the couple didn't mesh well with many other members.
Finally, after about a year, they realized it wasn't a good fit. But by then, they'd spent about $46,000 before factoring in what they spent on court reservations, food and drinks. To this day, Cox says it's his "biggest financial regret."
"It sure was an expensive way to learn a lesson," Cox said on Business Insider (1).
After leaving the club, they found their people through much less pricey paths — at local bars, through Facebook groups, and casual meet-ups.
Why is making friends as an adult so hard?
The Coxs aren't alone in struggling to find a friend group as adults. The percentage of U.S. adults who report having no close friends has quadrupled since 1990, with 12% reporting no close friends (2), while the percentage of those with 10 or more close friends has fallen by nearly threefold.
Back in 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy declared loneliness a national epidemic, warning that its health risks are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day (3).
Several forces are driving this. Work has expanded to fill more of our lives, leaving less time for friendships. The pandemic normalized staying home and weakened informal social networks like work lunches, hobby groups, and casual run-ins. Even after lockdowns ended, Americans' social lives largely didn't bounce back. (4)
Beyond COVID, a broader cultural shift has been underway. A Princeton University (5) study analyzing American Time Use Survey data found that average time spent at home rose by 1 hour and 39 minutes per day between 2003 and 2022.
There's also the nuclear family shift. Parents today spend more time with their kids (6) than ever before, and that means less time for socializing.
The Cox's costly experiment highlights a real challenge — we're lonelier than ever, but finding the right way to make connections feels harder than ever, too.
Read More: 7 top habits of 'quietly wealthy' Americans. How many do you follow?
How to find your people without dropping $46,000
Finding your people might be harder as an adult than it was when you were a kid, but there are low-cost ways to build real connections.
Visit before you invest
If a club, gym, or community organization interests you, see if they offer a trial membership or guest pass before you spend money on a membership. Many clubs will let prospective members attend an event or tour the facilities. Cox and his wife might have saved tens of thousands of dollars had they spent a few months attending as guests before committing.
Join hobby-based groups
Friendships form faster around shared interests and repeated exposure (7). Consider joining a group related to your interests, such as a hiking club, book club, running group, birdwatching society or board game night. Apps like Meetup.com make it easy to find groups organized around nearly any interest in most metro areas.
Tap community organizations
Local Facebook groups, neighborhood apps like Nextdoor, buy-nothing groups and city or neighborhood pages are free and surprisingly effective at creating real-world ties. Political or civic organizations can also offer a ready-made social scene for people who care about the same issues.
Volunteer
Working side by side towards a shared goal is one of the most reliable ways to form true connections. Food banks, habitat build, and community gardens offer structured ways to meet people and give back to your community.
Be the village you want
If you want connections, be the person who shows up for other people. Join the meal train, offer to pick up groceries for an elderly neighbor, or invite a new neighbor over for coffee. Friendships often start with a small gesture — and people tend to remember those who show up for them.
As someone who has moved multiple times both as a child and as an adult, there's an overlooked piece of the puzzle: time. Those inside jokes and shared history that make connections so meaningful develop over months or years. By putting yourself in the right place and being the kind of friend you want to be, you will develop friendships.
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Article Sources
We rely only on vetted sources and credible third-party reporting. For details, see our ethics and guidelines.
Business Insider (1); American Survey Center (2); Science of People (3); Philadelphia Magazine (4); Sociological Science (5); The Economist (6); We Thrive Together (7)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
