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Hello, my name is Zoe. When I was 20, my boyfriend died tragically. I'm 23 now, and it's almost like I'm a whole new person.
My Story
Eddie was my partner for nearly two years, but I had known him since I was in elementary school. He was always a trusted friend, no matter how much we teased each other growing up.
During Memorial Day weekend in 2023, Eddie visited a friend in Italy. He called me on a late-night walk back to where he was staying, and that's when the worst happened.
On this call, he suffered from a horrific, freak accident that put me into a state of shock. It's one thing to learn that a loved one has died, but it's a completely different experience to hear it while it's happening. Once he got medical attention and his family was by his side, his inevitable death was confirmed.
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When such an unexpected death happens, your entire world changes. It feels like you're in a movie, but unfortunately, you can't just turn it off once the credits roll. And as much as a death like this doesn't feel real at first, it becomes more real than anything you've ever experienced.
I had no clue what to do at first. One second, you have a rough outline of what your future will look like. Then POOF! Everything is different, and you lose a part of yourself with them.
In these past three years without him, I've learned so much about myself, the universe, and the way that grief and trauma affect us in so many different ways. No one is ever prepared to lose a loved one, but hopefully, this advice can prepare you for some of the confusing, complicated emotions and experiences that you might go through when you lose someone tragically. I also think it's especially important for young adults like me to understand the fragility of life and the fact that we aren't invincible just because of our age.
My Advice
2.It's OKAY to claim that you have trauma.
For the longest time, I never felt like I could say I have trauma. I've been through multiple things in life that one could label as "traumatizing," but because I've always been high-functioning, I thought my trauma wasn't valid. Once Eddie died and I got into therapy, I realized that having trauma doesn't always mean that you are easily triggered by things and constantly reliving the event. For me, it's a lot of avoidance, numbness, and irritability, but everyone's experience with trauma is different.
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3.Use the kind of language that feels right for you.
4.Don't hold back your tears in front of others, but also don't force them out just because everyone expects you to.
Of course, I cried a lotttt when Eddie died. However, there were many times where people were crying about his passing, and I just...couldn't. After letting out so many sobs on my own terms, I had no tears left at times when I was in a room full of people mourning. I think the way I personally process trauma is a large reason why I don't cry at times, but that doesn't negate the fact that I shouldn't have to cry just because everyone else is. And you shouldn't have to, either.
5.Some...interesting people may come out of the woodwork.
6.People will treat you like glass sometimes.
Do you know that look people give you? The one filled with pity? That's the one. Still to this day, many people approach me with that look and talk about Eddie like they have to walk on eggshells. This is very hard for me when I'm doing okay, because it either A. makes me feel guilty for feeling okay or B. makes me start to feel not okay.
I like talking about him positively. I like smiling when I think about him. And it's hard to do that when, as soon as you start, people get that look in their eyes. The way people treat you shouldn't dictate how you feel about your grief, because no one understands what you're going through but you.
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8.You might try to "preserve" them in little ways.
I still have one of Eddie's hoodies folded up in a box somewhere because he folded it that way. I still sometimes hesitate to wear the necklaces he gifted me because it doesn't feel like the "right" occasion. There is no right or wrong time to unfold his hoodie or put on a necklace. I may never end up wearing that hoodie. I'd like to one day, but for now, it's waiting for me the way he left it. And if I do wear it, I'm not erasing the life he lived in it. "Preserving" someone's things after they pass can provide comfort, but even if you wash it, rip it, burn it, or anything in between, it will never change the fact that it was once theirs. You don't need to hold onto things the way they were before you lost your loved one, because their memory lives on through you, regardless of material things.
10.The little things will start to hurt more than the big things.
As time passes, the birthdays and anniversaries hurt less and less. If anything, I'm actually more positive during these times, as I see it as a day to remember the good memories and treat myself with care. However, something small can move me in unexpected ways. Whether it's seeing something that reminds me of him or a minor inconvenience that forces out all of my built-up emotions, I'm hit with grief randomly.
These unpredictable breakdowns happen less and less now, but I've gone through periods where they affect me wayyyy more frequently and intensely. It comes in waves, as they say. Your grief becomes a part of you, and the way you process things in your life, even if they seem completely unrelated to your trauma, will always be affected by it. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Let your grief help you care for others more deeply and appreciate all the little things in life.
12.You may develop spiritual or religious beliefs that you didn't have before
I am not a religious person by any means. I also never took spirituality too seriously. Yet when Eddie died, I became wayyyy more open-minded about fate, the universe, and spirituality. Right after his death, my friends and I kept seeing "444" everywhere, which I found out is the angel number for protection. Before, I would just chalk this up as a coincidence, but now I see it as a sign.
It really hit me that my beliefs were evolving when an old friend from high school reached out to me less than a year ago. I hadn't spoken to her in years, and she was never close to Eddie. She told me that she had been in touch with spirits from the other side, and that Eddie was sending her a message for me. The timing of this felt serendipitous, as I was at such a low point that this was exactly what I needed to hear. She told me things that aligned with our relationship sooooo well that it didn't seem like a mere coincidence. Ever since, I have felt even more protected and cared for, and I believe the energy I put out into the universe has far more power than I ever thought possible before.
Obviously, not everyone receives "signs" that smack them in the face so clearly like that, but take this story as a "sign" that you can find comfort in things you once didn't believe in. Find "answers" in whatever you want.
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Lastly:
14.Live for them, and, more importantly, for yourself.
I feel like I absorbed all the parts of Eddie that I love. It makes me 1000% prouder of who I am because I embody the traits I admire about him. He taught me what being in love truly felt like, and I will put that love back out into the universe. He can't get all the credit, though. It took a lot of tears, therapy, friendships, and so much more to get me to where I am today, but I put in the work to get here. Give yourself the most grace, love, and admiration because you deserve it. Do what makes you proud of yourself, and it will definitely make them proud, too. You're still here, so make the best of it because, as you know, life is fragile.
A Note From Eddie's Mother
I'm so lucky to have Eddie's mom, Christine, in my life. I wanted to close with her perspective to help paint a more nuanced picture of how death affects people. As a mother, her experience with grief varies greatly from mine, yet there are many similar feelings we share that help prove you're never alone on your grief journey. Here is her advice:
If you are grieving, please remember that the love the person you lost had for you will never disappear, and the love and support you will gain throughout your life will mean more than words can describe.
If you would like to share anything you've learned after a loss, or if you just want an outlet to talk about a loved one you miss, please feel free to share in the comments. If you would like to remain anonymous, you can fill out the form below:
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