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Complaining feels productive in the moment, but experts say a week-long break can boost self-awareness, ease anxiety, and strengthen relationships.
Key Takeaways
- Complaining tricks your brain into feeling like you’re solving a problem, even though it usually just keeps you stuck rehearsing negative thoughts.
- A week off from complaining can lower anxiety and boost self-awareness, helping you notice what you can actually control versus what you can’t.
- Cutting back on complaining strengthens relationships—friendships built on shared negativity tend to feel draining and fade over time.
While having coffee with a friend, you start telling them about your stressful commute. You get home and text your mom that your friend arrived late and didn’t ask about your new apartment. Venting your frustrations can feel good in the moment, but it might be adding to your stress.
“Complaining comes with the appeal that if you’re talking about your problems, you’re somehow taking action on them,” explains Sabrina Romanoff, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. “Often, people irrationally and subconsciously believe that if they cause themselves pain by being consumed with their problems, thinking about them, and running the ‘worry meter,’ they will somehow make progress on them.”
Constantly complaining can leave you feeling stuck and irritable. Conversely, learning to be more accepting of situations can improve your mood and outlook. That way, you focus on being present and enjoying your time with loved ones, and you don’t allow minor inconveniences to ruin your whole day.
Why Complaining Feels Good
If you’re anything like me, you can’t repeat the praise you received at work yesterday, but you can remember someone’s hurtful remarks from five years ago. “Our brains naturally pay more attention to negative experiences, so talking about them can feel almost automatic,” says Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind. Plus, you feel validated when someone listens and agrees with you.
Another reason we complain is that it helps reduce uncertainty. When you’re frustrated or overwhelmed, expressing your feelings gives you a sense of control. Even if you’re imagining the worst outcome, it’s comforting to know what to expect rather than face the unknown. “Complaining in the short term can ultimately feel good because it makes us think we’re taking action and changing the situation, even though it keeps us stuck in place,” Romanoff says.
The Downside of Complaining
“Constant complaining keeps your attention locked on what’s going wrong instead of what you can influence,” Hafeez says. “It can make problems feel bigger and more permanent than they really are.” In addition, you tend to feel more anxious as your brain repeatedly rehearses the same negative thoughts.
Romanoff adds that complaining can make you feel helpless and hopeless. One way this shows up is in having an external locus of control, which is a psychological belief that outcomes are beyond your control. For example, you might attribute your successes to outside forces, such as luck, rather than your own efforts. Even when there are solutions, you feel powerless to change the outcome.
Complaining is also associated with having a pessimistic mindset. “Although this protects you from disappointment, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy and slowly rob you of the joy of a more positive or neutral perspective,” Romanoff says. Hafeez agrees, adding that complaining can harm more than just your mood. For example, your relationships can suffer if others start associating you with negativity.
Benefits of Taking a Week Off From Complaining
It’s tempting to complain when things aren’t going your way. “Healthy venting has its place, but getting stuck there can keep you from moving forward,” Hafeez says. “For many people, a week is enough to notice meaningful changes.” Here are some benefits of getting this habit under control.
Greater Self-Awareness
Stress tends to bring out our worst habits. You might find yourself overthinking or venting to others when you have a packed schedule or multiple deadlines. “Taking a break from complaining helps you notice how often your mind automatically focuses on what’s wrong,” Hafeez says. It also helps you become more aware of what you can and cannot control.
Complaining can make you more reactive. “Often, you don’t realize how much this habit is distorting your vision and ability to accurately see situations for what they are,” Romanoff says. “A week is a great start, but at the end of the day, worrying is a habit, which usually takes 30 days to restructure.” Her advice is to work up to a 30-day complaining-free challenge to get the most out of this practice.
Less Anxiety
Every day hassles can leave you feeling irritable and reactive. Less complaining means you have more mental energy to tackle problems and make decisions. “A week helps you catch complaining habits you didn’t realize you had,” Hafeez says. “While it won’t completely change your mindset, it can shift your perspective.” It can also improve your anxiety level because you spend less time replaying frustrating moments and events.
More Room for Positivity
Deciding not to focus on the negative creates space for you to experience positive thoughts and feelings. “When you master the skill of controlling your thoughts, many people find a large positive increase in mood,” Romanoff says. You have more energy and motivation when you’re not griping about the task ahead of you.
“You may also find yourself feeling more grateful without forcing it,” Hafeez says. It’s not about denying your struggles. Instead, the goal is to remember what gives you purpose and meaning and helps you get through difficult times.
Stronger Relationships
“While it might feel like commiserating through complaining, ultimately these friendships are held together by negativity which can feel draining and usually falls apart long term,” Romanoff says. Breaking this habit can benefit your relationships and make your conversations more positive and enjoyable, Hafeez says. It doesn’t mean that you can’t confide in someone. Rather, the goal is to find solutions rather than dwell on the problem.
How to Curb This Habit—or Do It More Constructively
Changing any habit takes time. Rather than stopping cold turkey, here are some strategies to ease into a week without complaints.
Track Your Thoughts
My inbox is full. I have back-to-back meetings. I forgot my phone charger. You might be surprised at the steady stream of negative thoughts running through your mind daily. “Interrupt the cycle by writing down the thought and the corresponding emotion,” Romanoff says. “Then write down a more realistic and balanced alternative thought and the corresponding feeling.”
Logging your thoughts can help you shift from complaining to viewing situations in more productive ways. She also recommends adding “worry time” to your schedule. For example, you can dedicate 20 minutes at the end of the day to worrying or complaining. Once the time is up, you move on to another task.
Pause Before Responding
Start noticing situations that trigger complaints, whether it’s standing in a long line at the grocery store or chatting with colleagues after a meeting. When you’re about to complain, take a short pause before speaking. “Ask yourself whether you’re looking for a solution, support, or simply venting,” Hafeez says. “That quick check can help you communicate more intentionally.”
Reframe the Situation
It’s easy to get discouraged after a setback. You might find yourself asking why this is happening to you. Instead, Hafeez suggests asking yourself what you can learn from this situation and what part of it you can control. “Small shifts in perspective can make a big difference in how you feel,” she says.
Another way to reframe the situation is to practice gratitude. Try keeping a gratitude journal or sharing these reflections with a loved one. “Writing down a few things that went well each day helps train your brain to notice positives instead of automatically searching for what’s wrong,” she says.
Read the original article on Real Simple
