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While we often grow up focusing on book smarts, someone who has high emotional intelligence traits adds value to workplaces and friendships.
"They have and display deep empathy toward the feelings of others," says Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, a licensed therapist and the chief psychological officer with recovered.org. "They take accountability when they mess up and are capable of repair within relationships, rather than opting for a quick and clean cut-off, excuses or escalation."
Unsurprisingly, high-EQ traits are key in conflict resolution with friends.
"One of the hallmarks of high-EQ is the willingness and courage to face conflicts directly," Dr. Vinall tells Parade. "As we hone our ability to recognize, sit with and own painful feelings—including guilt—we grow our capacity to have honest conversations about difficult things with those in our lives. Self-awareness and empathy make repair possible."
On the other hand, emotional invalidation in friendships is toxic because it shuts people down.
"It communicates that their perspective, feelings and needs don't matter," Dr. Vinall says. "Feeling unseen and uncared for in this way erects barriers between people. Friendship cannot flourish without feeling cared for."
Certain phrases reek of emotional invalidation, especially one. For this reason, Dr. Vinall shares that you won't hear emotionally intelligent people use this one phrase with friends. She also reveals a few more phrases that these individuals avoid, along with tips for resolving conflicts with friends.
Read on for the dos and don'ts of high-EQ communication.
Related: 10 Subtle Signs a Friendship Is Draining You, Psychologists Warn
The 1 Phrase High-EQ People Avoid: "It's No Big Deal"
According to psychologist Dr. Vinall, "It's no big deal" is one of the phrases emotionally intelligent people avoid. Though often meant to diffuse a situation or comfort, it can cause emotional invalidation and minimize because it implies the friend is "wrong" for being upset.
Related: We Asked 4 Psychologists the One Phrase That Escalates Every Argument—They All Said the Same Thing
The Psychology of Invalidation: Why We Say It (And Why It Hurts)
"It's no big deal" is emotionally invalidating yet so common. Dr. Vinall explains there's a psychological reason for invalidating phrases like this one, and it comes down to emotional intelligence.
"People use this phrase defensively, stemming from discomfort in sitting with and owning their own shortcomings," she tells Parade. "They may lack empathy and the ability to take another's perspective, projecting how they think they would feel onto the other person."
Yet, she points out that what may feel like a non-issue to one person may be significant for someone else, explaining, "People with low-EQ fail to recognize this disparity."
Emotional invalidation in friendships is toxic. Dr. Vinall shares that phrases like "It's no big deal" shut down the opportunity to repair the relationship.
"This response fails to take responsibility, which is the first crucial step for restoration," she says. "It shifts the focus from your behavior to making their reaction the problem. Most people, feeling shut down and unheard in this scenario, will withdraw."
She adds that saying "It's no big deal" won't change how they feel about the situation, but they may distance themselves from the friend who said it.
Harsh as it sounds, it makes sense. Unfortunately, Dr. Vinall says that emotional invalidation can have psychological harms, including:
- Erosion of self-worth
- Self-questioning
- Cognitive dissonance
- Reduced emotional regulation
"It is a form of gaslighting, which, as a pattern, is psychological abuse," she adds.
Related: 35 Common Toxic Positivity Phrases To Stop Using—Plus, What To Say Instead
What an Emotionally Intelligent Friend Says Instead: 3 Examples
Unlike "It's no big deal," emotionally intelligent communication centers on empathy and validation. Here's what to say instead.
1. "I can see why that was hurtful"
Dr. Vinall says this phrase is the opposite response to "It's no big deal."
"Where 'It's not that big of a deal' invalidates, these words validate," she states. "It doesn't mean you intended harm, but it acknowledges that your friend was hurt. This creates the softness and connection essential for repair."
Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. "I'm so sorry."
There's a period after "sorry." That's intentional.
"This response...isn't packaged with 'but I didn't mean it,'" Dr. Vinall says. "There are no excuses. It simply asks that you look your friend in the eyes and take responsibility."
3. "Tell me more."
This three-word response displays curiosity, a high EQ trait.
"These words demonstrate that you care by inviting your friend to draw you deeper into their inner world," Dr. Vinall notes. "You might not yet fully understand the rupture, but you are showing that you care enough to try."
Related: Psychologist Says if You Hate Silence in Conversations, You Likely Have These 7 Traits
6 Other Phrases That Signal Low Emotional Intelligence
People who display signs of low intelligence, such as a lack of empathy, often struggle to find the "right" thing to say in difficult moments. It's possible to become more emotionally intelligent, and awareness is key. Here are a few more things emotionally intelligent people never say, according to a psychologist.
1. "That's not what happened."
Recollections differ, but Dr. Vinall doesn't recommend using this phrase with a friend.
"Jumping to deny and counter your friend's experience rather than hearing the heart behind the complaint is invalidating and fails to move toward understanding or repair." she notes.
Related: 4 Social Habits That Show Low Emotional Intelligence, According to a Psychologist
2. "That's your problem."
Friends are like teammates and, like they say, "Teamwork makes the dream work." So, it's no wonder that this particular phrase can be a nightmare for friendships. Dr. Vinall says it lacks empathy and shows no willingness even to try to understand the friend's gripe.
3. "You're making me so mad."
This finger-pointing phrase is also unhelpful, and it's inaccurate. Dr. Vinall shares that it shifts responsibility for the speaker's feelings. The reality?
"Only you are responsible for your emotional reactions," she says.
4. "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Emotionally intelligent people apologize. However, Dr. Vinall shares that this phrase is not an apology. It simply "masquerades behind the language of one."
"There is no accountability or responsibility taken to make change," she explains. "It sounds close to empathy but doesn't quite arrive at caring."
5. "I was just joking. You take everything too seriously."
Your kindergarten teacher is right—it's not a joke unless everyone is laughing. Dr. Vinall says that low-EQ phrases like this one invalidate another person and hide behind a (rarely true) excuse that's hard to argue with.
"Even if a sincere joke landed painfully, the responsibility remains with the person making the joke to assess for appropriateness and sensitivity, and take ownership if it results in hurt," she says.
6. "You make everything such a big deal."
Dr. Vinall shares that this phrase makes another (invalidating) shift, this time with the focus of "hearing a legitimate concern to attacking the person who was hurt."
"It is motivated by self-defense rather than care or communication," she notes.
Related: 11 Phrases That Make You ‘Instantly Unlikable’ With Strangers, According to an Etiquette Expert
How To Respond When a Friend Invalidates Your Feelings: 3 Ways
It can be disheartening to be on the receiving end of toxic friendship phrases. Emotional invalidation in friendships doesn't always have to be a game-changer. By engaging in emotionally intelligent communication, you can achieve conflict resolution with friends (and strengthen your bond).
Here are Dr. Vinall's top tips.
1. Use calm, assertive communication
If a friend tells you something is "no big deal," Dr. Vinall suggests responding with statements like, "This is a big deal to me. I'd like to talk about it."
"This direct, even-toned response to invalidation....maintains your right and need for open and direct communication," she explains. "Invalidation demands that you stand down; these words represent remaining standing."
Related: 12 Phrases That Make You Instantly More Assertive—Without Sounding Rude, Psychologists Say
2. Model empathy without backing down
Dr. Vinall says some phrases exemplify emotionally intelligent conversation after invalidation, such as, "I know this is hard for you to hear, but I think it's important we talk it through."
"This response demonstrates your own emotional awareness of the conversation's challenges and empathy toward the other person without retreating or accepting the invalidation," she tells Parade.
3. Name the behavior
Directness isn't always rude, especially if you say something like, "That feels really invalidating. I'd appreciate it if you could just listen to me right now."
"With people reacting out of discomfort rather than hostility, this gentle but firm naming may be enough to reset the conversation," Dr. Vinall notes.
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Source:
- Dr. Deborah Vinall, Psy.D., LMFT, a licensed therapist and the chief psychological officer with recovered.org
