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In my early twenties, I was still figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, but I loved the idea of enrolling in the military. I finally decided to start the process at around 23 years old, and I was genuinely excited to begin this new chapter.
Well, that was what I hoped for, at least.
It was 2010, and one of the earliest stages of the process was medical testing. I had to get a Pap smear, have blood tests and urine samples, and do an ECG, and I just went along with all of it because it was necessary. While I was there, the doctor said they had a new HIV test available, so she asked if I would be willing to try it.
It was just a mouth swab, nothing invasive. I had no concerns about the result, so I thought, why not?
Unlike previous HIV tests, the mouth swab can deliver a result in a few minutes. It really does not take long. So, imagine my surprise when moments later, the Planned Parenthood doctor came back into the room, visibly shaking. I could tell she was concerned, and then she showed me why.
The test showed that I was HIV positive.
The doctor told me that she had never had a patient test positive for HIV before. Maybe it was just this test? Maybe it was a false positive?
My mind was swimming with questions and possible outcomes. I immediately had blood samples taken, and they were sent off for more testing. It took one week to get the results back, and it was one of the longest weeks of my life.
Would I have a future after this? Would people look at me differently if I did have HIV?
On December 8, 2010, I finally learned my fate. The mouth swab was correct; I was and forever will be HIV positive. I felt completely and utterly devastated; it is such a difficult diagnosis to hear. I thought everything was over and no one would want to be with me or associate with me.
While I don’t know when I contracted it or who gave it to me, the HIV doctor stated that she believed I probably had it for maybe a year or 18 months before my positive test result. At the time, my CD4 count (which measures white blood cells fighting infection) was still in the normal range, and my viral load was just a little over 1,000, which is pretty low.
‘It Was Extremely Difficult to Accept’
Immediately after I heard the news, there was only one person I wanted to speak to: my brother.
I drove straight to his house, and as soon as I walked through the hallway, I fell into his arms. I was overwhelmed with emotion, and the tears came flooding out.
From the moment I told him what happened, my brother helped me tremendously. I knew that no matter what, my brother would be there for me. He is one of the closest people to me, and there was comfort in knowing that he did not view me any differently and that he would be there for me. That was something I really needed to hear, and he has really helped me learn to cope with my diagnosis.
For me, it was extremely difficult to accept the diagnosis. In all honesty, I did not realize how long it took me to accept until I was no longer living in fight-or-flight mode. There was a lot of healing I had to do in my life.
In reality, I did not start coming to terms with the diagnosis until about 2019. It was something I put in the back of my mind but didn’t really accept or deny. I just lived with it. After I got out of an awful relationship at the end of 2019, that’s when I promised myself that I would move my body every day, heal, and say positive words to myself to learn and grow. All that brought me to where I am today, talking openly about it and accepting my diagnosis.
Every single day, I move my body, be that through stretching, mobility or working out. I have a set routine each day: I eat healthily to nourish my body and take vitamins and supplements. Of course, I also take my HIV medication every day with lunch. The antiretroviral therapy is a pill I take to suppress the virus, maintain my immune health, and to prevent transmission.
HIV is a difficult diagnosis, and something that people still view as life-ending, but the only way to change that is to be open and speak freely. HIV is a treatable diagnosis, and once we are on treatment and get to a level where we are undetectable, we can no longer transmit the virus. We can live long, happy, healthy lives that include having a family and following our dreams.
‘Life Does Not End Because of a HIV Diagnosis’
Life will throw many challenges your way, but how you respond to them reveals who you are. I’ve also learned that people come and go, and if someone cannot accept you for who you are, that is their loss.
Now, I live life to the best of my ability, and I view it as a joy and something I get to do rather than dreading it. You can’t change what you have or where you come from, but you can change the future and how you choose to live your life.
My son is 14 years old, and I started talking to him about my diagnosis when he was about 12. The older he got, the more it came out and the more he could understand. My daughter is 3, so one day I’ll have the same conversation, but I will only talk about it as much as they are willing to. I don’t push anything. When my son had questions, I would answer, and when he was done, we would end the conversation.
I still face a lot of derogatory comments from people when they find out I’m HIV positive. Some of the reactions are pretty awful because there is still so much inaccurate information that surrounds the virus. HIV has been so stigmatized, and the information around it is antiquated, but a lot of people still view it in the same way it was perceived in the 1980s.
Just remember, life does not end because you got an HIV diagnosis; it just takes a U-turn. You need to make changes and learn a new way of living, but it doesn’t change who you are as a person or where you are able to go. You cannot let it define you because you are still capable of any and all things.
Jacklyn Nusbaum, 39, resides in Minnesota with her two children. After learning to accept her HIV diagnosis, she has been using TikTok (@rising.scorpio1) to create a platform for awareness and education.
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