Hiking Room 101: My biggest pet peeves from 10 years mooching in the mountains

After more than a decade of soggy socks, bashed up pork pies and making polite conversation with the midgie-bitten masses, here are the things outdoor writer Fliss Freeborn would banish to Hiking Room 101 faster than you can say “lovely day for it” in the driving rain.

Admittedly, this list could have been longer, but we decided to focus on the biggest, most irritating pet peeves – quality over quantity, if you will. But do get in touch and tell us what pet peeves you'd be sticking in your own Hiking Room 101 after reading...

1. The “I don't need waterproofs, it's July” brigade

Optimism is charming, but a soggy fleece which smells like a wet spaniel is not. For the love of God, just bring a jacket.

Don't have a decent one? See our list of the best waterproof jackets and best waterproof trousers for inspiration.

2. Chatty uphillers

I love a natter. I really do. But not when I’m wheezing up something near-vertical and you’ve decided now is the time to discuss politics, pilates or your divorce. I’ll talk to you at the trig point.

3. Dogs in jumpers with Instagram accounts

This is a proper grumpy one because, really, it’s doing no harm to anyone. But if your whippet is sponsored by Ruffwear and is wearing a colour-coordinated boot/sock combo for summit pictures, I’m going to be irrationally miffed. Sorry.

4. Snack stealers who “didn't realise it was a long walk”

These people turn up with one fun-size chocolate bar and somehow think they’re entitled to all of your snacks too. I’ve taken to bringing extra for my top culprits, but it doesn’t mean it’s not annoying.

To make sure this isn't you, here's our list of the best hiking snacks.

5. Head-to-toe in (insert any expensive brand here)

It’s a free world and people can spend their money how they like. But when I see a person of a certain wealth bracket parading around in brand-spanking new branded Gore-Tex Pro like they own the place, my blood begins to boil. Give me Bams in tracksuits any day over Richard in his £675 waterproof jacket. (It’s also probably Richard’s Range Rover – see grump number 10).

6. Earnest use of the phrase ‘off-grid’

The truth is, there is almost no true wilderness left in Britain. Bar a few places in Scotland, you’re never really more than 20km from full 4G or the nearest Spar shop. Not to mention the fact you’ve brought two power packs, a solar panel and will be posting your adventure on Instagram as soon as you get a whiff of signal.

7. People who don't say “hello” back, or even smile back

I’M NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU LIFE INSURANCE! JUST BE NICE BACK!

8. Toilet tissue tyrants

Obviously this applies to all littering, but ladies, we really need to quash the belief that because it’s made of paper, it’ll bio-degrade. It won’t and I don't want to look at it. Bury it, burn it or take it home with you.

9. Bluetooth speakers at full volume

Look, if you’re completely alone, with no one to chat to and there’s not a soul within 5km, then fine. Blast your mid-noughties bangers all you want. But as soon as you see the silhouette of another person, switch that crap off and respect your fellow walkers. Harumph.

10. Selfish, stupid parking

Get your Range Rover off that soft verge before I key the damn thing.

11. The disappearing companion

You’re on a hike with someone you presumably thought was a friend, until they leave you for dust at the first uphill and you basically spend the day on your own. It’s sad, lonely and infuriating. Don’t do this, especially if you’re a man out with a lady. She won’t be impressed by how fast you are, promise.

12. The overenthusiastic false summit friend

As Morgan Freeman once said, “hope is a dangerous thing”. I know you’re lying when you say the top is just up this next one. Nor is it, actually, the one after. It’s over five more rises, through a bog, and then up a scree slope that looks like it was designed by Frank Gehry on shrooms.

About the author

Fliss Freeborn is a writer and gear tester for Live for the Outdoors. During her time at university, she spent considerably more days in a tent in the Scottish Highlands than she did in the library, which she highly recommends as a study strategy. Fliss also believes that life is too short to eat bad food outdoors, and that cooking good scran while in the hills is easier than you might think with the right kit and some forward planning – yes, you can always do better than a pot noodle.