SerpApi.Org
Actor and director Olivia Wilde sparked a discussion with Louis Theroux on his latest podcast, addressing the emerging cultural trend of the “bedroom divorce”, in which couples choose to sleep in separate quarters, saying she found the idea “kind of sexy”.
The director of The Invite, which sees an unhappy couple invite their sexually enthusiastic upstairs neighbours down for dinner, says she has nothing against sleeping in a different bed from her partner. “I’m intrigued by that,” Wilde told Theroux. “You could invite her over in a way that allows for maybe there’s a little bit of mystery in there. I think that’s interesting,” she added.
Heather Darwall-Smith, a UKCP-accredited psychotherapist and sleep specialist, says separate beds no longer mean separate lives, and more people talking about bedroom divorce means there’s less stigma around the practice. In fact, the American Academy of Sleep Medicine’s 2025 survey of just over 2,000 adults found that 31 per cent had chosen to sleep in separate beds to their partner. This was highest among people aged 35 to 44, at 39 per cent, and lowest among those over 65, at 18 per cent.
When bringing up the topic of separate beds, Darwall-Smith says talk about how you feel instead of blaming your partner. “Saying, ‘I love you, and I haven’t slept properly in a year’ starts a conversation. Saying ‘you snore’ leads to arguments and more sleepless nights.”
If you’re worried that a bedroom divorce could harm your relationship, Darwall-Smith offers some advice on how to make it work.
Is sleeping separately a sign a relationship is in trouble?
Darwall-Smith says it’s an outdated notion that separate beds spell trouble for a couple, and that arguments are more likely if one or both of you haven’t slept well. “One study studied couples for 14 nights and found that after a bad night’s sleep, people had more disagreements.
“In the lab, just one partner’s poor sleep lowered the balance of positive to negative feelings and made it harder for both to understand each other’s emotions. This was most likely to improve when both partners were well rested.”
Why are more couples choosing to sleep apart?
“Snoring is the main reason couples choose to sleep in separate beds, and it’s often caused by a medical condition called sleep apnoea. People sometimes treat snoring like a personality quirk for years, while their partner lies awake counting the hours until morning,” says Darwall-Smith.
Menopause is another factor. Darwall-Smith says sleep problems affect about 40 to 60 per cent of women during and after menopause, with waking up in the middle of the night the most common issue.
“Chronotype also matters. If one of you is an early riser and the other stays up late, sharing a bed means one person is woken up while the other waits to feel sleepy. That’s not romantic; technically, you are living like shift workers on different shifts,” explains Darwall-Smith.
Can sleeping separately actually strengthen a relationship?
There are few things that put you in a good mood in the morning quite like feeling well rested, and Darwall-Smith agrees that separate beds can be a positive step in a relationship. “Getting enough rest makes you kinder, and kindness is a big part of a healthy relationship.
“Research shows poor sleep makes it harder to understand your partner’s feelings. It’s better for two people to meet refreshed in the morning than to spend the night lying next to each other, both tired and resentful.”
Will your sex life suffer if you don’t sleep together?
Not sharing a bed does mean that there’s less chance for spontaneous intimacy. Darwall-Smith says that some people worry that planning takes away romance, “but think about how romantic it really is now: both of you lying in bed late at night, one falling asleep mid-sentence, the other counting snores. The real comparison isn’t between separate beds and an exciting sex life – it’s between separate beds and slowly building resentment, which doesn’t help romance.”
People may worry that separate rooms will lead to emotional distance, but Darwall-Smith says what matters is how couples make the decision.
“Problems happen when there isn’t a clear conversation about why you’re sleeping separately, or when someone leaves the bedroom in the middle of an argument. Leaving in anger and leaving by agreement may look the same from outside, but they are very different.”
What routines help couples stay emotionally close if they sleep separately?
If you’re wondering how to stay close while sleeping apart, Darwall-Smith has some advice. “Focus on small, consistent habits. Say a real goodnight instead of grunting at each other and rolling over. Spend 15 minutes together before one of you goes to bed. Before turning off for the night, share three good things that have happened to you today. Staying close is about these moments of connection, and you can have many of them.”
Will you ever be able to happily share a bed again?
What if you try a “bedroom divorce” but want to come back together? Darwall-Smith says just because you’ve made the decision to sleep apart doesn’t mean you can’t go back to sleeping together again. Also, the arrangement doesn’t have to be all or nothing – some couples sleep apart on work nights and share a bed on weekends.
Often, she finds couples reconnect and move back into the same room when the root of sleep issues are solved. “One study found that among sleep apnoea patients starting treatment, 41 per cent had been sleeping separately, but 72 per cent of them started sharing again following treatment.
“Couples who went back to sharing saw bigger improvements in their personal lives than those who stayed apart. This shows that fixing the sleep problem gives you more options.”
