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In our modern era of online-everything, anything you do or say can be held against you in the court of public opinion — or your soon-to-be-ex's divorce filing. The sheer visibility of it all — location sharing, relationship statuses, Instagram follows, likes and comments — has left some Gen Z-ers fearful of dating in the digital fishbowl. And yet many hopeful romantics crave connection, the vulnerability it requires and even the validation that comes with a hard launch. But when do the tools meant to build trust turn into the instruments of anxiety-inducing surveillance?
In a nutshell: How much should you share with the ones you love?
Just about everything, if you're Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes. The pair have shared a lot of their lives with each other: They've been colleagues, co-anchors on network TV, best friends and romantic partners. Now, they're full-time co-parents and collaborators in love, life and business — and they share it all. Well, almost. In this column, the couple shares what they share — and the few things they absolutely will not.
We share (almost) everything
AR: Some people don't even share a bed. They prioritize their individual needs for sleep over "the couple." That's become more and more mainstream. People are promoting it and talking about how it saved their marriage.
TJH: Well, Amy and I share everything. We share a bed. We use the same face cream. We use the same face wash. We use the same basics, like toothpaste.
AR: We only just, finally, merged all of our streaming services. That was a big deal. That means we're really together for the long haul. It was the last thing we merged. We were wasting so much money. It was so dumb. I had two HBO Maxes, and he had two accounts. So we had four in total. We basically funded House of the Dragon with all of our subscriptions.
But that was the last thing we had to merge. I think it's easy to agree to share everything — locations, passwords, plates — when you're with your person. When you're with the wrong person, you might feel differently.
TJH: But there are lines.
AR: Right. Toothbrushes? Abso-f******-lutely not. T.J. was in a pinch one time and asked me for deodorant. I was reluctantly like, "If you want to use mine, you can." But he was like, "Nope!" I don't mind it, but I don't like it. But toothbrushes? No, ew. That is disgusting.
TJH: I hear about it … but people don't really do that, do they?
AR: In a pinch, I think people do.
TJH: It's not that big of a pinch.
AR: Would you ever use my razor in a pinch?
TJH: I will have a full beard before I use your razor. Some things are too intimate to share.
AR: That's what I thought. Razors, toothbrushes and deodorant: That's where the line is. T.J. even begrudgingly lets me borrow his chapstick — but then he's like, "You can just keep it."
Taking trust to the bank
TJH: When it comes to finances, to each their own. But if you refuse to share a bank account, what message does it send? If your spouse or loved one asks about combining finances, and you push back, that's going to cause a problem.
AR: One of the first things T.J. and I did when we became a couple was get a joint account. I have a separate account, and so does T.J., but we're really open about it. But any time you're hiding anything — whether it's money or locations or anything — you've got an issue. And by not sharing it, it is, by default, hiding it. It's like lying by omission: It's still deceptive.
When we got together, we were established adults with children from previous relationships. If you have kids, you don't want to impose that responsibility on your new partner. If, all of a sudden, one half of the partnership is expected to help pay for a kid that they did not contribute to [bringing into the world], that can breed resentment. So, some financial separation, especially when kids are involved, can be important.
'Every step you take … I'll be watching you"
AR: We don't share locations, but only because we truly haven't had to.
TJH: We rarely even text each other, because we're together all goddamn day, so we don't have to share locations. But I think we should, for safety reasons.
AR: We probably should. In fact, maybe after this we'll go and do that. I think it's a good and smart thing. But I think if you need to do it because you're suspicious of your partner, then you have another problem altogether. It has nothing to do with location services.
TJH: I wrote Amy recently and made a point to tell her where I was riding my motorcycle and that I was going to cross the bridge. I ask her what part of town she's going to. As we were working on this column, a high-rise here in New York City was evacuated due to the threat of collapse. We have shit like this pop up all the time. I think it's just important, especially in this city, to know where your loved one is.
AR: But I don't think that's necessarily why most people share locations.
In fact, I've watched friends track their husbands while they talk about them. It's like, "Let's see if he's actually going where he said he was." I think most people use location sharing to see if their significant other is telling the truth. It's like the song by the Police, "Every breath you take, every move you make … every step you take, I'll be watching you."
That is not a relationship I would ever want to be in. If you have those feelings, then you do need to have a conversation and figure out why you're suspicious and then address that problem.
TJH: On the other hand, give me a good argument — short of cheating or doing something behind your significant other's back — for why you would not want your spouse following you?
AR: Just the idea that someone is tailing you. It might feel oppressive, or you might feel like your word isn't good enough and your independence is compromised; the feeling that your partner doesn't trust you. But honestly, I don't think that's a good reason not to share locations.
Similarly, T.J. and I know each other's passwords. And if you don't, I think that's also a red flag. I've never snooped in anyone's phone, not even my own children's. That is a really big boundary for me that I do not cross. But if my partner or child was not willing to tell me their password, I would know they're hiding something — or at least think they were.
TJH: I can't think of any excuse for that. If you're with someone over a period of time, you're going to need their password — even for simple things. If you're across the room and need to change the music playing from your spouse's phone, you'll need the password. It doesn't have to be a big deal. You can just have each other's passwords.
Like, comment and … spy?
AR: There are people who don't like it if their partner likes other people's photos. But if you trust your man, you don't have any reason to worry about it. I couldn't care less what T.J. likes.
TJH: I'm not on social media like that, though.
AR: That's true, so it's easy to say. But if I saw T.J. being active on social media, I would ask: "Who are you DM-ing?" But there are women who feel uncomfortable if their partner is liking a bunch of posts, and they're all beautiful women — for everyone to see. I think that's fair.
TJH: Of course, that's fair! What grown man is sitting around liking another woman's posts?! You just don't do that. It's like walking down the street, holding hands with your woman, and you keep complimenting every woman passing by.
Once you start looking into what your loved one is doing online, you can go down a rabbit hole and keep digging and digging. Maybe you see they liked this person's photo, and that person's photo, or you discover they were at a party you didn't even know they were at. And then you're cross-referencing your texts to see what your partner said they were doing at the time they were at that party. And then, it becomes a thing. And who knows if it was a problem or not, but you open yourself up to almost becoming a damn private investigator, looking for something.
I do think the ability to know so much about your partner probably does breed some anxiety in younger generations. And these tools — being able to monitor your kid, for example — are great. But I understand how they create the temptation to go down that rabbit hole, but — just leave it alone. You don't need to go hunting. You know whether your partner is trustworthy or not. And nobody should feel like they need to sit down and monitor what their partner is doing. If you feel that need, that is not the fault of the technology. You need to talk to your partner.
Should you ever keep secrets from your partner?
AR: At a certain point, oversharing can sow seeds of doubt or distrust. I think a lot of people, in an effort to relieve themselves of some form of guilt, dump information on their partner in an effort to do the right thing. But I don't think it actually is the right thing to do. I think you know what needs to be told and what doesn't.
TJH: There is no way I would suddenly just start talking to you about a past relationship. But if you asked, I would tell you.
AR: Yes, that's a good way to put it: If your partner asks you about a past relationship, you should always be transparent and answer them. But I don't think you have to constantly offer information about your past relationship.
TJH: And you shouldn't share secrets that someone else told you. But if your best friend tells you a secret and says to keep it to yourself, it is very difficult for people in a couple — especially in a good relationship — to keep something from one another. Should you keep that to yourself?
AR: I will not tell a friend something and then ask them to keep it a secret. I will ask first: "Would you be OK with me sharing something with you, and asking you not to share it with your partner?" And if they say, "No," that's cool, I just won't tell them. Because I don't think it's fair to tell somebody and then tell them they can't tell their husband or significant other. That's a tough position to put a friend in.
Why vulnerability can feel risky
AR: For people who've been burned by a past partner's behavior, you might think, "I like him now, but in two months, am I going to want him to know where I am? Will I need to get away from him?" Those are all signs that you're in a relationship with the wrong person. I've been in relationships where I would have hesitated to share something like my location. If you are hesitant to share something — your location, or anything else — with the person you're with, you need to ask yourself why, and be really honest with yourself. Either you don't trust the person, or the relationship, or yourself, or where you're going to be in a couple of months.
TJH: Even without deception at play, people are already scared about being in a relationship. You're scared your heart will get broken, your feelings will get hurt, your ego will get shot — you're already scared just about the possible hit to your heart. The more you share with another person, the more you have on the line; the more you are being vulnerable and opening up your heart — plus your email, your bank account and your friends — to potential harm. I can see why there'd be hesitation.
