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Great negotiators don’t react. They respond.
Hollywood teaches the wrong lesson about negotiation.
On screen, great negotiators are aggressive. They threaten, intimidate, and dominate the room. But in real life, that approach rarely works. You might win an argument, but you’ll struggle to build trust, close deals, or maintain relationships.
As a Century City media and tech lawyer, much of my job is not arguing the facts. It’s managing emotions — mine and my clients’.
A frustrated client may walk into my office wanting revenge. They want the other side punished. However, if I respond with the same anger — making threats, escalating conflict, and trying to overpower the opposition — I’m unlikely to reach a resolution.
Every negotiation has three parts: the issue itself, how people feel about that issue, and how those emotions are managed. The best negotiators know how to handle all three.
They stay calm under pressure, create trust, and understand that emotional control is a competitive advantage.
The power of positive emotions
Many people mistake kindness for weakness in a negotiation. It’s the opposite.
When everyone else is frustrated or defensive, the person who stays positive has an advantage. A calm and constructive approach keeps communication open and makes progress possible.
I use what I call the ABC of positivity:
- Ask questions. Curiosity is one of the most underrated negotiation skills. People want to be heard. Asking thoughtful questions helps you understand the other side’s goals, concerns, and motivations. The more you understand, the better your chances of finding a solution that works.
- Use body language. Your presence matters before you say a word. A smile, eye contact, and a calm tone signal confidence. People are more likely to listen when they feel respected — not attacked.
- Care. Empathy is not a concession. It’s a strategy. When people feel understood, they are more willing to collaborate. Often, what people want most is not simply to win. They want to feel seen and heard.
The skill most leaders overlook
Positive emotions help move negotiations forward. Negative emotions can derail them.
When you feel triggered — whether by a difficult client, competitor, or business partner — the instinct is to react. That’s usually when mistakes happen.
I rely on a three-step process called SOS:
- Stop. Don’t respond immediately. When emotions take over, your ability to think clearly declines. Give yourself time before making decisions or saying something you may regret.
- Oxygenate. Create distance from the moment. Take a walk. Get fresh air. Slow your breathing. A short reset can help you regain perspective and approach the situation more rationally.
- Seek Information. Strong emotions often come from incomplete information. Before assuming someone acted intentionally or negatively, ask questions. Find out what happened. Look for context. Many conflicts escalate because people respond to assumptions instead of facts.
The real advantage in negotiation
The best negotiators are not the loudest people in the room. They are the ones who can stay composed when everyone else loses control.
Managing emotions, both positive and negative, is what keeps conversations productive, relationships intact, and deals moving forward.
Negotiation is not about overpowering the other side.
It’s about understanding people well enough to find a path forward.
This post originally appeared at inc.com.
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